Well, at Least They Got the Species Right

Who says computers treat us as though we’re numbers--as though we’re not even people? Peg Needleman of Granada Hills received a letter that began with the warmly personal solicitation, “Dear Human . . .” (see accompanying).

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GIVE ME A SHOT OF WHISKEY AND A ROOT CANAL: Leonard Holden of Winnetka sent along a note that reminded me of frontier days when the anesthesia for dental patients often consisted of some 150-proof liquid. Holden came across a Chatsworth dental clinic called Bar & Drill (see accompanying).

Actually, the “Bar” refers to a complimentary coffee bar on the premises.

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WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT: Patricia Martell enclosed a notice from the Glendale Quarterback Club, which announced that its Nov. 3 speaker would be the defensive coordinator for “Oxidental.” I’m sure the coach has put some teeth into the school’s defense.

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MORE COLLEGE CUT-UPS: Nancy Steele of Altadena, who attended Oxy in the 1970s, recalls seeing a mailing addressed to “Accidental” College. That’s almost as funny as the time that Gary Bolen, then at Antelope Valley College, went to a conference and was given a name tag that said “Canteloupe” Valley College.

In the above instances, of course, outsiders were the ones botching the schools’ names. William Pollock of Pacific Palisades, on the other hand, received a solicitation from a university in Cambridge, Mass., that spelled its name “Hardvard” on the envelope.

Then, again, we’re all “human,” as any computer will tell you.

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MUSICAL INTERSECTIONS: Regarding the 1974 recording of “Pico and Sepulveda” by the legendary Roto Rooter Good Time Christmas Band, Steve Tonkinson of Claremont and other readers pointed out there was a previous version in the 1940s by the orchestra of Felix Figueroa (a four-lane pseudonym for Freddy Martin).

“It was inspired in the days before freeways,” Tonkinson said, “when the main way to the beach passed through that intersection”--the dreaded site of “one of the longest traffic signals around.”

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ORANGE COUNTY STATIC: In its “1998 Best of Orange County” edition, OC Weekly selected KLON-FM (88.1) as “Best Local Radio Station.” KLON is based in Long Beach, which, of course, is north of the Orange Curtain.

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TEN YEARS AGO TODAY: The Times reported that a judge granted a temporary restraining order to keep David Spellerberg from parking his 1954 Rolls-Royce in front of his art gallery on Rodeo Drive.

Spellerberg had been parking in a one-hour zone for seven hours a day to add “some glitter and glamour” to Rodeo (an obscure street located northeast of Pico and Sepulveda). To get around the parking limit, he had a chauffeur feed the meter $15 a day.

But the city, putting principle ahead of glamour, said it was illegal to hold on to a parking space and gave him about 1,000 parking tickets, totaling more than $13,000 in fines.

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TAKING THE WRONG PLEDGE: The story recounted here about the confused kindergartner who asked classmates to begin the Pledge of Allegiance by putting “your hand over your left heart” reminded teacher Terri Lau of a faulty command in a class of hers.

“One of my second-graders,” she said, “led the pledge by saying:

“ ‘Right hand over your heart . . . ready . . . pollute!’ ”

They saluted anyway.

miscelLAny:

Ed Schlossman of Thousand Oaks saw this warning painted on the back of an ancient motor home rumbling down the San Diego Freeway: “Caution--Pass with care. Driver chewing tobacco.”

Ready . . . pollute!

Steve Harvey can serve you by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.