Punch Lines

Playing It Safe: "To prevent any future incidents at the White House, the president's staff has taken some precautions. They've instituted a 'No Open Fly Zone' in the Oval Office." (Paul Steinberg)

Doing His Part: "First Lady Hillary Clinton inaugurated the new Peace Corps and announced that the president is 'volunteering' for a 10-year tour in Botswana." (Steinberg)

Rad Magazine: Reader's Digest says it is going after younger readers. "The proof is an article in this month's magazine: 'I Am Joe's Megadeth Tattoo.' " (Jerry Perisho)

Stand by Your President: "The innocence of record-breaking slugger Sammy Sosa is wonderful. He's one of the few people left in America who can say, in all sincerity, that he was proud to have a phone conversation with President Clinton." (Argus Hamilton)

America's Funniest Video: Republicans are calling for the release of the president's videotaped testimony, which promises to be very embarrassing to Clinton. "To rub salt in the wound, Sens. Trent Lott and Orrin Hatch want it narrated by Bob Saget." (Bob Mills)

In Slow Motion: Pennsylvania tourist officials put up six live Web cams to show the fall foliage turning colors. "Watching leaves turn colors has to be the only thing that rivals senior golf as the slowest thing on video." (Johnny Robish)

Imported Nuts: A new study shows the longer immigrant children stay in the U.S., the more susceptible they are to mental illness. "That's because if they stay long enough, they become teenagers." (Gary Easley)

Two for One: The Washington Redskins played in front of a record 80,000 fans. "It was Special Prosecutors Get in Free Night." (Hamilton)

The Reverse Effect: House Republicans want the country to see Bill Clinton get angry at prosecutors during his testimony. "It'll backfire. Americans read all about his lust and lying in the Ken Starr report and gave him a 67% approval rating. If we can see two more deadly sins, he could hit 100%." (Hamilton)

Hot Wheels: Recently revealed statistics indicate that Hyundai, Kia and Yugo owners are involved in the fewest accidents. "Reasons being they tend to drive more slowly and carefully, and the car is usually in the repair shop." (Stan Kaplan)

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