Listener, Advisor, Chief Cook and Bottle Washer . . . She’s All That

Here it is--the mother lode. And I mean that literally.

From now on, no matter how puffy your eyes, how many days that load of laundry has been creasing in the dryer, or how guilty you feel about toasted Pop-Tarts for breakfast, you deserve five minutes every Sunday morning to get in touch with your higher power--the Cult of the Girlfriends.

Lock yourself in the bathroom or go sit in the car if you must, but take the time to check in with those of us who know what a hero you are, even if you haven’t done any cardiovascular exercise in four years.

Here’s the plan: You send in your questions and concerns and I will share everything my own life has taught me, as well as everything my cherished girlfriends have thrown into the mix.

I don’t know about you, but nearly everything I’ve ever needed to know about life survival tactics I’ve learned from other women who’ve walked this path before me. Drs. Spock, Brazelton and Ruth all have places of honor on my bedside table, but when I’ve been up to my control tops in toddlers who won’t stop talking and a husband who won’t start, it’s been my girlfriends who’ve saved the day.

This weekly column is my opportunity to sprinkle around that accumulated wisdom of women, that mommy magic. You already know the charm and value of the magic:

First of all, a girlfriend never responds to your crisis, no matter how idiotic or self-induced, by saying something like, “Caring for an 18-month-old can’t be all that hard. My mother raised six kids and never even had a dishwasher, let alone a cleaning lady.”

Second, girlfriends don’t get all threatened and insecure if you ask whether Viagra works for women, too.

Best of all, a truly terrific girlfriend will give you her considered advice without making you feel like a doofus for needing it.

Every woman knows that you don’t just stumble over terrific girlfriends every day of the week. Lots of you aren’t living in the same state as the best friend who helped you pick out your first bra or pantomimed what French kissing looks like. The college chum who microwaved your Lean Cuisines for two months when your never-amounted-to-anything-anyway boyfriend dumped you might have followed her career to a foreign country. And the biologically provided support group of mothers, sisters, aunties and cousins can live two or three time zones ahead.

So where does that leave those of us who are convinced that all that stuff about quality time versus quantity time, multiple orgasms and shared responsibilities between mothers and fathers was just New Age mind control designed to distract us from the tidal wave that was moving toward us faster than those four weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas? In need of a girlfriend fix (or at least a diet soda to restore our caffeine levels), that’s where.

Do I have all the answers? Not even most. But I do have some practical experience gleaned from a 15-year (and counting, knock wood) marriage and four kids (two boys and two girls ages 11, 9, 7 and 5). In my quest to raise four children into independent adulthood, still have a husband sharing my bed after the last of them moves out and to come up with a clever answer to the cocktail party query, “So, what do you do?,” I’ve become a brimming vessel of tips, truths and tantalizing suggestions, all of which I am more than delighted to pass on.

Don’t ever let decorum or daintiness stop you from sharing your deepest, darkest thoughts with me because there’s no mistake you can make that I haven’t already claimed as my own (and after four pregnancies and deliveries, I have no real sense of modesty).

This is about survival, Girlfriend, and all the nice-nice nonsense you get from most so-called experts is just a pain in our collective (and stretch-marked) derrieres.

No judgment and no competition between us. If we stick together, we’ll not only make it through this roller derby of mothering and spousing, we may actually realize that mommy-wife-caretakers-of-the-universe are the most happening hyphenates in this town.

Talk to you next week.

Vicki Iovine is the harried author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and mother of four. Every Sunday, she’ll answer questions about family, parenting and relationships. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com. Please include your name and phone number. Questions cannot be answered individually, and no telephone calls, please.