Despite the Hurdles, Falk Remains Secret Agent Man

“As Mark Twain said, ‘The reports of my death are premature.’ ”

--David Falk, describing his role in the Marbury-Cassell-Brandon trade.

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If a level playing field doesn’t require David Falk’s actual demise, it would be nice if he grew a conscience or went off to blight some other sport.

Just as he used a 430-member union to guard the privileges of his creme de la creme, he’s now trying to reconfigure a 29-team league into the kind of place where his clients can make $10 million plus

$10 million from endorsements and hang out with each other.

A perfect Falk league comprises New York, Chicago and Los Angeles, where the big endorsement money lives (of which he gets 10%, compared to 4% on contracts), with burgs like Boston and Miami available to sop up the overflow.

Places like (shudder) Minnesota are for Falk teams to walk on and other agents to place their inferior clients.

The new labor deal had Falk moaning about quitting and, indeed, his first campaign, on behalf of Rod Strickland, was humiliating. Accustomed to torturing his hometown Wizards, Falk was reduced to pleading in newspaper ads and devising his “Twinky defense,” when the Wizards refused to go five years for a 32-year-old junk-food addict.

“He’s completely changed his lifestyle in the last nine months,” Falk protested. “He’s changed his diet.”

Burger-free, Strickland asked for $87 million and took $40 million. But opportunity knocked with Stephon Marbury, an ideal client, obsessed with money in both the real and symbolic senses. Whatever anyone else had, Marbury needed more. When he was capped at $71 million, compared to Kevin Garnett’s $126 million, Marbury was as shocked as if he’d been told he had to write David Stern a check for $55 million.

Minnesota Coach Flip Saunders says Marbury told him, “Right now, whether it’s right or wrong, I have a tough time playing with KG when he’s making the amount of money he’s making and I’ll be making only $71 million.”

Saunders says he pointed out $71 million was a lot, but if you have to tell them that, you’ve already lost.

Said General Manager Kevin McHale: “Even if that’s what he thought, I expected Steph to give another reason, ‘I like New York pizza,’ or something. You have to give the kid credit. He was honest.”

Falk demanded a trade. Owner Glen Taylor, who had tried standing on principle with Tom Gugliotta, threw up his hands. Falk crowed he had helped “Stephon and Minnesota avoid an unpleasant situation.” Of course, if Falk shows up to collect his reward, he may be tarred and feathered.

Falk, also brutally honest, once dreamed of his own league but will settle for running several in this one, where, he has announced, he’ll concentrate his clients.

To help you understand future machinations, here are his favorites:

* Lakers--With Glen Rice here, Falk hopes to enlarge his nest in our large, sunny market. If Jerry West--”the Michael Jordan of GMs,” Falk calls him--needs a point guard, David will check his Rolodex.

* Knicks--Falk claims to be loyal to Patrick Ewing, not to mention the No. 1 market, but what can anyone do for this boneyard? Nevertheless, the Knicks grew suspicious after seeing their offer of Allan Houston or Latrell Sprewell for Marbury dismissed peremptorily.

“There wasn’t anything we weren’t willing to do,” said Madison Square Garden boss Dave Checketts, “but there were other forces at play here, particularly David Falk’s representation of [Kerry] Kittles and [Keith] Van Horn.”

* New Jersey--Like comparing a strip mall to Rockefeller Center, but with Van Horn, Kittles and Marbury here, Falk is probably already selecting their next coach.

(How about John Thompson? He’s a primo Falk client and he’s not doing anything!)

* Boston--Clients Antoine Walker, Kenny Anderson and Vitaly Potapenko. Of course, Rick Pitino has had it with Anderson. With Falk, taking Kenny is getting to be like a loyalty test. (Note: Don’t even think about foisting the little hype off on the Lakers.)

* Washington--Strickland and Juwan Howard are here, but the club is so hopeless, Falk may have to get them out.

(Light bulb: Strickland to the Lakers?)

* Miami--Alonzo Mourning, another key client, needs help and Pat Riley will always pay.

* Chicago--No clients, but big market with major cap room. Taylor says Falk threatened to take Marbury, Kittles and Potapenko here. (That would have launched the next dynasty, for sure!)

* Vancouver--It’s smallsville but with Mike Bibby, Bryant Reeves and Lee Mayberry, Falk will do what he can.

A sharp guy who put Jordan on the cutting edge of the commercial revolution, Falk actually deserves some of the big opinion he has of himself. But while Jordan wore his fame gracefully, Falk’s ego slipped the leash, grew into a monster and now yearns to eat the NBA.

Representing stars means never having to say you’re sorry, but the gods charge dearly for this level of hubris.

FACES AND FIGURES

Charles Oakley, who takes fewer rebounds than Dennis Rodman but is more lucid, turned down a $12-million, three-year extension from the Raptors. “If I don’t re-sign with Toronto, I will go to a contender, Miami or the Lakers,” he said. “If I can get a chance to win a ring, I wouldn’t mind taking less money.” See how positive he is? He still thinks the Lakers are contenders. . . . Nice season: Anderson had his lockout expenses published in the New York Times ($6,000 a month to maintain eight cars, $20,000 a month for a five-man promotional office in Century City). Then he was caught on camera, brushing off a 10-year-old autograph seeker. Last week, after he complained about being lifted, Pitino left him in Boston while the Celtics lost at Orlando. Of course, Pitino said he just needed to take a stand, likes Kenny, etc.

On behalf of fellow veterans, Ewing demanded Coach Jeff Van Gundy be retained, next season too. Said Patrick: “I’m not playing for Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson can take his butt back to Chicago.” Of course, Patrick is old and creaky and they aren’t going anywhere, so why would anyone care what he wants? . . . Trash-talk therapy: With Vin Baker ready to come off the SuperSonics’ injured list, reporters watched the inimitable Gary Payton harangue him during practice, calling him, in quotable moments, “soft” and challenging him to “put on a uniform.” It was surprising because Payton is Baker’s best friend on the team. In fact, afterward, Baker baby-sat Payton’s son. Insiders think Payton, too, blames Baker for their swoon and wants to fire him up. “A lot of picking on players is really to get them motivated,” veteran Dale Ellis said. “Sometimes you build them up by jabbing at guys to push them a little harder.” . . . Seattle Coach Paul Westphal, on changing lineups every game: “Ideally, I’d like to get a lineup, stick with it and walk through the league kicking butt and have everybody worry about matching up with us. But we are not walking through the league kicking butt.”

Bernie Bickerstaff, the Wizard scapegoat, er, coach, became the fourth casualty since Chicago hired Tim Floyd, meaning Floyd is already up to No. 25 in seniority. “A couple of those guys, I didn’t even get to meet,” Floyd said. . . . Dwynne Casey handed husband Don, the Net coach, a TNT memo listing camera shots, including: “Live shot of Don Casey (Captain of the Titanic).” . . . If the coaches are all going crazy, why does everyone want to coach?: Kiki Vandeweghe will run a team at the Desert Classic, hoping to work up to an NBA job. “It’s in your blood,” he says. Good luck getting it out. . . . Orlando’s Dominique Wilkins, greeting a guard in Washington’s MCI Center: “Man, you’ve been around here for about 50 years.” Said the guard: “I know. I was 15 when you came into the league.” . . . Detroit’s Joe Dumars, on playing basketball with his 8-year-old son, Jordan: “I asked him, who are you going to be. Jordan says, ‘Kobe Bryant, who are you going to be?’ I’m like, ‘What do you mean who am I going to be?’ ” . . . Humble, at last: Denver’s Nick Van Exel, asked if his 41-point game at the Forum sent a message: “What message can you send when you’ve won 10 games and haven’t won on the road all year? I was trying to get a win.”