LAUGH LINES

Ready, Aim, Fire: NATO forces resumed air attacks last week after bad weather hampered the mission. “I thought our missiles were supposed to be state of the art. We can’t attack in the rain? What if we went to war with Seattle? Where would we be then?” (Jay Leno)

Not-so-Clean Record: Mike Tyson, who’s serving a one-year sentence for assaulting two motorists, is starting a record label. “That’s a switch. Usually rappers make their records, then go to jail.” (Mark Wheeler)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Ways to make golf more exciting:

10. Goodbye, Payne Stewart; hello, Payne “Stone Cold” Stewart.

9. Replace Tiger Woods with actual tiger.

8. Instead of following golf ball in air, camera now pans crowd looking for dumbest hat.

7. Instead of green jacket, Masters champion wins all the other golfers’ clothes.

5. Each foursome must include at least one man wrongly acquitted of double homicide.

4. Two words: “Monkey caddies.”

3. New hazard: Civil War reenactments.

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