Belief Ends Darkness in the Soul

I am a scientist. I was never trained or encouraged to have faith, to trust or to follow my intuition. Logic, intellect and evidence were all that mattered. And, of course, God and souls couldn’t exist because there was no proof.

So it was a shock when, two years ago, I discovered otherwise. I had fallen into what many would call a midlife crisis--a period that the 16th century Spanish mystic and poet St. John of the Cross called the “Dark Night of the Soul.”

Carolyn Myss, a brilliant theologian, aptly calls it spiritual madness. Briefly, it is an awakening that leads to unimaginable awareness about life and people, but only after excruciating emotional and spiritual pain. Pain that comes from intense self-examination and healing, with the goal to attain full consciousness of feelings and actions.

Centuries ago, monks would sequester themselves in monasteries, living very sheltered and austere lives, in order to generate and to surpass this madness, in the hope of being awakened to bring them closer to God. But these days we look upon such an activity as an absurdity, or a luxury.

Unfortunately, some of us fall into the Dark Night without knowing what is happening or why. In his book “Finding Hope in the Age of Melancholy,” David Awbrey writes from a nonspiritual perspective of falling into an awful depression, a melancholy, that required reevaluating life and finding the courage to make significant changes.

Within the Dark Night, I had to examine all my illusions about life and God. Does God really exist? Why do bad things happen to good people? What is my real purpose in life? Why do I feel empty and unfulfilled even though I achieved everything I ever wanted out of life? All the tricky questions that I had managed to ignore throughout my life had unwittingly become the focus of my days.

To get through the Dark Night, I had to explore deep within my soul. And, as a scientist, I naturally looked at this as a matter of research. That research took me through many conventional paths and alternative ones as well, from therapy into the world of New Age gurus and psychics.

I began my research by looking back at the religion I grew up with: Catholicism. But it hadn’t helped or prepared me for living a happy and fulfilled life. It bred negative emotions of fear and guilt. So I looked at alternate religions.

Buddhism seemed much better in that it gave me some tools and philosophies for understanding life. But it struck me as very male-oriented and missing a female perspective.

Then I tried therapy, but came to the conclusion that the therapists needed just as much help as their patients. Medications were of no use since they numb the brain and the emotions. There was no point living life as a zombie.

I needed explanations as to why life was the way it was--acceptance and blind surrender are not allowed for a scientist. Ideally, I wanted a spiritual director or guide. This led me to many of the self-help spirituality books, where I found tremendous comfort and advice on how to proceed in life.

As part of my research into New Age guidance, I sought out some of the best psychics. I was skeptical at first. But when I saw them heal people, talk with the spirit world and generate love, my skepticism turned to belief.

The trek has lead to finding the tools and techniques for attaining spiritual balance in life--balance that I believe is the precursor to good health, happiness and fulfillment. Some conclusions I’ve reached:

* I am never lonely because my spirit guides are around me, helping.

* I understand self-love, so will never get into an unloving relationship again.

* I trust my intuition now and will use it in all avenues of my life.

* I know that my soul will go on beyond death so I don’t fear death.

* Everything that happens in life is to help with our evolution, so we should bless it.

* I don’t feel empty anymore because I feel love.

* Change is all part of the rhythm of life and is not to be feared.

* We are powerful creatures because we have free will and we can create.

As a scientist, I still believe in logic, reason and evidence. But now I have the added tools of faith, trust and intuition that make me better able to contribute to the welfare of our planet. My research will always continue into spirituality. To be spiritual is to be in the domain of awareness. Many people live their lives unconsciously. I did, for 38 years, until my Dark Night of the Soul.

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On Faith is a forum for Orange County clergy and others to offer their views on religious topics of general interest. Submissions, which will be published at the discretion of The Times and are subject to editing, should be delivered to Orange County religion page editor Jack Robinson.