Hillary, Our State Is Just Made for You

Dear Mrs. Rodham Clinton:

We couldn’t help but notice you were in New York last week polishing the Big Apple for a Senate run. Don’t mean to rain on your parade, but some of us also noticed that your poll numbers against Rudy Giuliani are heading in the direction of Arkansas. Your 12-point lead has shrunk to one, and 52% of New Yorkers don’t want you to enter the race.

There are also rumors that a tony West Side co-op rejected your membership. One might conclude the Manhattan welcome mat isn’t exactly spread out. Remember the old Sinatra tune “That’s Life”? (“Riding high in April, shot down in May.”) Don’t let that happen to you.

We have a solution, Mrs. C. (or is it Mrs. R.C.? We never know for sure). We want you here in California. It’s a natural.

There are three options. First, you can challenge Dianne Feinstein in the primary for her seat in 2000. She nearly lost to Mike Huffington in 1994, and she’s looking tired. California Democrats could use some new blood.

Your second option is more collegial. Despite preparing a censure resolution which blistered Mr. C. for shameless, reckless and indefensible behavior, Sen. Feinstein forgave the big lug and voted against the articles of impeachment. Combined with her current support of his bombing in Serbia, our senior senator is proving to be a dependable Clinton sycophant. There’s a better than even chance she’ll just drop out and endorse you.

There’s a third option which we’re very fond of. Barbara Boxer’s daughter is married to your brother, which makes for a cozy Boxer-Rodham relationship. Why don’t you just ask Boxer to resign her Senate seat? Gov. Davis would appoint you to fill her place, and you could stand for reelection along with Feinstein as an incumbent. No offense, but Barbara Boxer won’t be missed.

So, Mrs. C.--uh, Hillary (we feel like we know you now)--come on out to California. You won’t find a more congenial political venue. Think of all the pluses.

* You’ll be closer to Chelsea till she finishes Stanford. A little weekend condo in Palo Alto would be nice.

* The vast right-wing conspiracy is right here at your fingertips. We like to think we’re vaster than anyone else. We’re out to get your husband. We despoil the environment, hate Social Security, control the media, and you’ll find one of us under every bed. By the way, you aren’t one of those pro-fluoride nuts, by chance?

* Hey, you know that book you wrote about how it takes a village to raise a child? If you can’t find a village, you have plenty of friends in Hollywood who will build you your very own on some movie lot. Added plus: Hollywood libs aren’t picky about thinking it might take a father with character to raise a child.

* One more thing that will make you feel at home is our anti-tobacco zealotry. What would make your move out here even more timely is a big effort in California to require warning labels on cigars--just like on cigarette packages. Who could be a better spokesperson against cigars than you?

* OK, you’re thinking: What about this new book coming out on you by the historian Joyce Milton? She contends you swear a lot, that you hired detectives in the early ‘80s to tail your husband and that you’ve been the “connection” for various questionable campaign donations. No problem there. Remember back in 1996 when Bob Dole kept asking: “Where’s the outrage?” There was no outrage. You can green-light this one.

* You could also get a license to practice law here. What’s one more trial lawyer? You’ll be especially revered by the defense bar, which truly admires how you managed to lose those law firm files and then find them two years later right there in your own house without a clue as to how they got there.

* Finally, California loves deal-makers. You parlayed a thousand-dollar investment into a cool hundred grand in the commodities market. Moreover, this is where junk bonds originated. No one’s going to blink an eye at a junk candidacy.

California needs a warm, compassionate and unifying force like you to bring us together. You go, girl.

Sincerely,

California Friends of Hillary