Bugged to Distraction by the Sewer Line Diversion Project

Oh great! Just when I think there’s nothing left to worry about, the water department announces to 63,000 customers that we may have little invisible bugs in our drinking water (“Water Company Seeks to Allay Safety Fears,” July 31).

Imagine . . . . If I pour a glass of water, there’s a chance that I can look through a microscope and see squiggly things swimming in it like people at Zuma Beach on a crowded weekend.

Now let’s be clear about this. Jim McVeigh, director of California-American Water Co., didn’t actually come right out and say there were little squiggly things in the water. What he said was: “I’m not saying in any way that the water’s contaminated. I’m saying that we can’t be completely sure that it’s not.”

According to the reports, the bug in question--a waterborne microscopic organism called cryptosporidium--can cause flu-like symptoms, including fever, vomiting and diarrhea. And from what I ‘ve read, if we’re not in the best of health it can even do us in.

So now that concern over the Y2K problem seems to be ebbing, the great Thousand Oaks copper curtain caper appears to have faded from public scrutiny and our yard trash is being be hauled away weekly (thus quieting the outcry from folks who apparently have golf courses for back yards), we can look forward to staying up all night boiling our drinking water.

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To be sure, Dale Dean, operations manager for the water company’s Newbury Park facility, said there is no evidence that the organism is in the local water. But that in itself raises some concern. What would Dean consider as evidence--63,000 feverish customers doing the green-apple quickstep toward the nearest john? (And think about what that might do to the odds on our sewer line holding together for another year!)

I have to believe that if the water company says there’s no evidence of the bug’s presence, then somebody over there must be doing something to find out . . . such as testing the water. And if they’re doing that, why can’t they assure us that it’s squiggly-thing free? I mean, what would be the point of testing anything if, after you’re done testing, you still don’t know anything (unless, of course, you’re talking about schoolchildren’s reading and math scores).

No, by George, there’s something else going on here. I’m from Newbury Park, so I’m perfectly capable of ferreting out conspiracies and hidden agendas regardless of the facts. Let’s look at several possible explanations:

* The preemptive strike: People at the water department have discovered that there is a real possibility the bug may show up in our water. Knowing the litigious nature of the citizens in the Conejo, they think that by warning us and offering a solution (i.e. boil the water if we have any doubts), if we do get sick it will be our fault, not theirs.

* The hidden profit: People in the water department just bought stock in a water-filter manufacturer.

* The hidden water bond conspiracy: The central theme is, “Well, the only way we can guarantee a bug-free water supply is to install this newfangled, high-tech equipment that goes for a pot full of money. But if that’s what you citizens really want, OK, you’ve talked us into it.”

And, finally, my favorite:

* The City Council conspiracy: This would be the one that, if put to a vote, would win hands down. Why not? We blame the council for everything else. This theory takes into account that it’s a hot summer so water consumption is way up; the main sewer line is running at maximum capacity. Lord knows how many new houses are being built as we speak, and the city screwed up the permit process so the new sewer line has been delayed for another year.

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Pretend for a moment that you’re in charge. How would you solve the problem? Exactly. Float a press release that little creepy-crawlies are in the drinking water. The average Conejo citizen is going to get darned thirsty before he even thinks about drinking water. The result? Water consumption will slow to a dribble, as will our output of sewage--and the sewer line will be safe for another year.

But life on the Thousand Oaks City Council is never simple. And solving one problem invariably creates another. OK, Mayor Parks, this Bud’s for you.