That Baffling Species Known as Teenage Girls

It was Sigmund Freud who said, “What does a woman want?”

It was Sam Loganville who asked, “What do female teenagers want, dear God, what do they want?” The reason he asked this question is that Sam has two teenage daughters, and he has no idea what they want.

He told me, “I know what they don’t want--that is anything my wife and I want.”

If you say you want clam chowder they will tell you, “We hate clam chowder.” You remind them they had clam chowder at the Browns’ on Monday night. The reply will be, “The Browns have good clam chowder.”

Sam told me, “One of the major weapons of female teenagers is silence. When they get up in the morning, they don’t want to speak, unless it’s to ask for money for blue jeans.

“If you refuse to give them money, it is interpreted as another example of withholding love, and the silence will intensify.

“The most important thing a parent can do for a teenager is answer her telephone calls. Some parents occasionally miss saving a call, and there is all heck to pay.” Sam told me teenagers at home have dark clouds over their heads. Asked why they are blue, the reply is, “You wouldn’t understand.”

If pressed for a response, they explain that they weren’t allowed to go to Woodstock where all their friends went. Loganville said, “Teenagers, when around adults, communicate with each other by whispering.”

He recently heard a conversation between two teenagers. One said to the other, “Did you hear what they both said? They said, ‘Good morning.’ ”

The other girl replied, “My parents always say ‘good morning.’ It doesn’t mean anything.”

“But if we answered them it would start a conversation.” “Don’t answer and they will know we don’t want to talk.” “I’m hungry.”

“We can eat without saying anything. They have to feed us. It’s the law.”