Wacky Wicker for the Holidays
Gifts of the Modern Magi: As usual when Christmas rolls around, readers start asking Off-Kilter’s advice on what to buy for that special man, woman or space alien who has everything. Normally, we suggest a traditional yuletide gift, such as myrrh, because, hey, if a bitter-tasting gum resin exuded from any of several plants in East Africa was good enough for the baby Jesus, it should be good enough for dear old Dad.
But this year, we’re updating our selections. We’ve concluded that if the Three Wise Men were shopping for gifts today, they’d skip the gold and frankincense in favor of the following:
* A life-size wicker motorcycle, handcrafted by Bali artisans who work only from photos, $1,185. The distributor, Michigan-based David & Sons (https://www.david-sons.com), calls it “the perfect addition to any living room.” Maybe, but we’d prefer to see a life-size wicker Empire State Building, which would look very impressive on the mantel.
* Funeral Home, the perfume. Made by Demeter Fragrances, it contains the scents of “carnations, lilies, wet Oriental rug and mahogany with furniture polish.”
* A tricycle that seats seven, $16,000. Perfect for one-upping that pesky neighbor who rides a bicycle built for two. From Hammacher Schlemmer (https://www.hammacher.com). Not available in wicker.
* His and her cemetery plots. This item was chosen as the “worst holiday gift” in a survey by Marriott and Visa. Other presents on the list included a sleigh made from a turkey carcass, a nose warmer and a urinal handle that was supposedly once used by Clark Gable.
* A mottled Houdan, a white mute swan or an opaline guinea. Now you can shop for live poultry via catalog, courtesy of Stromberg’s Chicks and Gamebirds. And don’t forget to order the electric de-beaker as a stocking stuffer, to “control cannibalism.”
* Camouflage furniture from Cabela’s. For when you want to watch TV in enemy territory. Choose from couches, recliners and love seats upholstered in four camouflage patterns. Or get the sofa safe, a camouflage couch with an under-the-cushions lockbox big enough to hide eight guns. It’s $1,000 plus shipping (https://www.cabelas.com).
* A personal visit from Rosemary Clooney, who will serenade you with “White Christmas.” Available from the QVC cable network for $100,000. For added effect, a Hollywood special effects company will cover your property in artificial snow for an extra $75,000.
Ultimate Centerfold: Playboy plans to name the “playmate of the millennium” at a Thursday ceremony. But we don’t trust pervert pajama boy Hugh Hefner’s judgment, so we’ve compiled our own list of nominees: Pocahontas, Janet Reno, Lady Godiva, Joan of Arc, Betty Rubble from “The Flintstones” or Richard Simmons. Send in your vote (or nominate a write-in), and we’ll announce the winner in a future column.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “How to Be a Better Husband--by Acting Like a Caveman!” (Weekly World News)
Step 1: Be the boss of your cave. In prehistoric times, there was no “voting” about who would go out and hunt for mammoths that day.
Step 2: Don’t say much. Cavemen rarely spoke and certainly didn’t yack endlessly about relationship junk. Try to limit your speech to simple commands such as “Cook food” or “Go to bed.”
Unpaid Informants: L.A. magazine, Hartford Courant, Wireless Flash News Service, Arizona Republic, Baird Jones, Martin Miller. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
