How to Prepare for ‘Millionaire’ Show

Vivian Reed, who works at the Long Beach library, reports that a patron walked in the other day and said, “I need a book on quantum physics--but a really easy one.”

NO GLUE FACTORY JOKES, PLEASE: Have you seen the TV commercial where a 70ish woman is cooing to an unseen pet named Sparky, which turns out to be a racehorse? The woman is Dorothy Benson, the newest star graduate of Adrienne Omansky’s commercial-acting class in Los Angeles for seniors (information: (310) 559-9677).

When she auditioned for the Hollywood Park spot, Benson was surprised to find out who the sponsor was. Unfamiliar with horse racing, she assumed Hollywood Park was a cemetery.

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TALK ABOUT A TINY OFFICE . . . : John Harris of Whittier found indications that the Social Security system may be in financial trouble (see photo).

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IT’S RATED PG, IN PARTS: I may have given readers the wrong impression the other day when I showed the racy page heading of a Pacific Bell directory that had caught the eye of John Holly of Palos Verdes Estates (see sexy reprint).

Dick Saunders of Torrance sent along another page heading showing that Pac Bell has a G-rated section too (see accompanying).

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MYSTERIES SOLVED: The Los Alamitos News-Enterprise’s latest police log contained these exciting items:

* CYPRESS, Nov. 23, 6:20 p.m.: “The alarm in Encore Cards, Gifts & Collectibles was activated by a balloon.”

* CYPRESS, Nov. 19, 8:57 p.m.: “A resident inadvertently dialed 911 while trying to reach Mexico.”

* LOS ALAMITOS: Nov. 23, 6:48 a.m.: “A man wearing prescription glasses, a large rimmed hat and bright orange jacket was a city employee checking for cracks in the sidewalk.”

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IF IT’S NOT POLITICIANS STEALING MONEY . . . : This is pressing-the-flesh season and a good time to recall one of the oddest local incidents during a presidential campaign.

It occurred in 1964 when President Lyndon Johnson visited L.A.

Broadway was lined with thousands of people, including a 30-year-old transient named Ulysee Pryor who, police say, was more interested in relieving people of the valuables in their pockets than saluting the nation’s leader.

Police were about to arrest him on 6th Street when Johnson suddenly appeared. The crowd surged forward, pushing Pryor toward the street, and the next thing Pryor knew he was facing the president. He reached out and shook his hand.

Johnson moved on, and so did Pryor--with police. He was arrested on suspicion of picking pockets. Not, however, President Johnson’s.

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GUERRILLA PROOFREADER REPORT: Some submissions of strange uses of the English language in newspapers and ads and on signs, spotted by column readers:

* “Shoppers should be weary of putting shopping bags in the trunk of their cars” (from Jean Utley, who says, “I’m weary of shopping too”).

* “These cleaning experts bring an heir of professionalism to each assignment (from Dorothy Ertel, who asks, “Does this mean the experts bring their kids to do the work?”).

* A building sign that says, “Neurology Center & Headache” (from Patrick Mauer who observed, “I knew that some businesses create headaches for their neighbors, but rarely do they advertise it”).

* A home for sale with a “god sized backyard” (Lloyd Boocks).

* A job opening for a “sons chef” (from Mary Gregory, who comments, “Ah, nepotism”). Well, at least it’s not quantum physics.

miscelLAny:

Film historian Rick Mitchell added this scene to our list of cinematic references to Orange County:

“In ‘Wild in the Streets’ (1968), Army Archerd ends a news report on teenagers massing on the Sunset Strip to lobby for lowering the voting age to 14 with this addendum: ‘And three Orange County matrons have suffered heart attacks while watching the demonstrations on TV.’ ”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.