What’s Old, Pussycat?

For the end of the 1900s--not the millennium (which ends Dec. 31, 2000), as so many people continue to get wrong--this could be an excellent time for all of us to mourn the loss of Things We Never Hear Anymore.

The 1900s are fading fast. And with them, we say a fond farewell to words we no longer use, phrases that are more or less passe, products we no longer buy, even names of human beings that may be becoming extinct.

(For example, the name “Myrtle.” Do any new parents name their girls Myrtle anymore? Meryl, yes. Mira, OK. But how about poor old Myrtle, which is a time-honored feminine moniker, not to mention the name of a lovely evergreen plant?)

In memory of the dearly departing 1900s, let’s see if we can pinpoint 50 Things We Never Hear Anymore--or not as often as we used to, anyway.

1. Pussycat. It’s just a plain old cat now.

2. Castor oil. Vile liquid made from castor beans, which our mothers made us swallow.

3. “Go jump in a lake.” A G-rated insult, almost obsolete.

4. Gridiron. Who among football players or fans uses this word in actual conversation?

5. Pheasant under glass. It once epitomized fine dining. In old movies, nobody in a restaurant ever ordered salmon.

6. Greenbacks. Slang for money. (See also dough, bread, simoleons.)

7. Blob. As in lump. Sometimes used to describe a person.

8. Record player. We’re losing both . . . records and players.

9. Double feature. Two movies for the price of one. (Each followed by: “The End.”)

10. Flatfoot. As in cop.

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11. Strawberry shortcake. The last time you ate one was . . . when?

12. “A drip.” What we used to call a nerd (which is also on its way out).

13. Brassiere. The shorter version (in more ways than one) took hold.

14. Monster movie. It’s just “horror” now.

15. Sacroiliac. The anatomical ache of choice, once upon a time (with lumbago a close second).

16. Sad sack. An incompetent or gloomy guy. Rarely a woman, for some reason.

17. Timbuktu. A town near the Niger River. For some reason, we used to hear about this place a lot.

18. Muskmelon. When did cantaloupes begin to rule the melon world?

19. “Bucket seats.” Not exactly rare in a car today.

20. Inkwell. Imagine a schoolkid trying to figure out the purpose of that hole in the desk.

21. Pompadour. A dead hairdo.

22. Automation. The big scare word of the ‘50s. Machines were going to put us all out of work.

23. Sheldon. A man’s name, or at least it was.

24. “Her measurements.” As in 36-24-36. Sexist-pig stuff now.

25. Dagwood sandwich. A triple-decker. Maybe quadruple or quintuple.

26. The Smith brothers. They made cough drops. But any time you saw two guys with beards, you had to call them this.

27. Stockings. Men’s, we mean.

28. Drive-ins. The theaters disappeared. The restaurants became drive-thrus.

29. Ethyl. As in gas.

30. Washboard. Once used to scrub clothes. Used now only in reference to stomachs.

31. Jack-in-the-box. The toy, not the fast-food chain.

32. Stanza. In poetry, yes, but no longer used in baseball in place of “inning.” (Same for canto.)

33. Aluminum siding. It “protected” your house. Sure it did.

34. “Blue plate special.” An inexpensive meal for a fixed price.

35. Poi. Taro root mixed with water. Only tourists in Hawaii make jokes about it now.

36. Paper tiger. Someone who seems a threat but really isn’t.

37. Erasers. I miss them. I can’t eat liquid Wite-Out.

38. Senile. Hardly anybody calls an elderly person this now, even while trying to be cruel.

39. Flapjacks. Alias pancakes.

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40. “You’re all wet.” An insult nobody ever really used. Now heard only as a lame punch line if someone is actually wet.

41. Graveyard. “Cemetery” pretty much covers it now.

42. A can of sardines. So seldom eaten now, we’ve almost stopped using the expression except when too many people get into an elevator.

43. Hot rod. Gone to car heaven.

44. Pizza pie. Except when singing “That’s Amore,” when’s the last time you heard somebody call a pizza a pie?

45. Station wagon. Not gone yet, but getting there.

46. Gumshoe. As in detective.

47. Clothespin. Once were used to hang laundry, or after smelling a skunk.

48. Cagers. As in basketball players.

49. Pedal pushers. Calf-length women’s pants.

50. “The moon is made of green cheese.” Men have been there, so we know this isn’t true. We expect to discover before 1999 is over that Mars is actually where the cheese is.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail:

mike.downey@latimes.com.