8 Minutes to Being Marcus Welby--and Other Advice

Winter days drawing in, I snuggled up the other evening in front of a crackling floor heater with some hot, roasted chestnuts, eggnog and a recent copy of Medical Economics, “the business magazine for the medical profession.” (Because it was there, to paraphrase George Leigh Mallory, the famous British mountaineer.)

I am on tenterhooks, now, as to which lucky medic won the doctors’ writing contest so that they could “make [their] vacation dream come true!” (Titles of past contenders: “I Was Sued for Medicare Fraud--Over an Innocent Error” and “The DA’s Demand: $800,000 From Our Practice.”).

Before that, though, I raced through “The Cars You Love, the Cars You Hate” (doctors like 300-series Mercedeses, 400-series Lexuses and Corvettes, it seems) and soberly studied an iconoclastic-sounding editorial, “On the Notion That Doctors Are Not God.” Then I turned to a first-person tale of a malpractice triangle, its presentation oddly reminiscent of one of those “true story” grocery store mags, what with its emotional pull-quote--”So Help Me God, the Last Place I Wanted to Be Was the Witness Box”--and an illustration of a young doc flanked by a patient and accusing-looking colleagues in white coats.

Medical Economics also has an online edition (https://www.pdr.net/memag/index.htm), which I explored the next day. Among other things, the Web site has a hefty archive of articles about patient relations, with titles like “Patients Who Make You Want To Flee,” “You Can Be an Eight-Minute Marcus Welby” and “Can’t Get No (Patient) Satisfaction? Try Charm School.”

Now There’s a Way to Fine-Tune Implants

We just received some promotional literature about a New York plastic surgeon who makes breast implants that can be inflated or deflated at the whim of the wearer. Sounds like fun!

Sadly, on reading the fine print, we realize this is a one-time deal and not an opportunity for endless vacillation and experimentation.

Here’s how it works:

First, the implants are inserted, and--unlike in traditional implant surgery--the “filling tube” for the saline solution is left in place. By the time of the next office visit, the client has had time to survey her bosom and decide if she wants it bigger or smaller. (After all, says the promotional literature, the chief complaint of patients after breast surgery is “dissatisfaction with size!”

The doctor can then add or remove saline, allowing the patient to “go up or down one full bra size.” Then the filling tube is detached, things are stitched up, and the job is done.

Medical advances never cease to amaze us.