The Campaign Speech You Will Never Hear

Sens. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) and Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) held a press conference last week to decry sex and violence in popular entertainment and its pernicious effects on children.

This is a bold position for a politician to take--almost as courageous as coming out against torturing kittens or telling little tykes there is no Santa Claus.

Indeed, curbing the content of TV and movies is one of the few things on which ideological opposites can easily unite. Conservatives often object to permissive sex, while liberals are troubled by the potential consequences of violence. Twist those strands into a joint appeal to protect kids, and everyone can light torches to go haul the Hollywood monster out of the castle.

Given the power of any “Save our children” theme, virtually no one from the major parties dares challenge this view. As CNN media analyst Jeff Greenfield once astutely observed, “Violence [on television] has no constituency.”

The cultural debate has thus become a trifle one-sided, in the same way no candidate pauses to inject a disclaimer about God’s existence when asking him to bless everyone at their fund-raiser.

Here, then, is the campaign speech on this issue you will never, ever hear:

Thank you so much for that kind introduction. (Ad-lib joke here.) Today, my fellow Americans, I wish to set forth my views on a tiresome matter that is discussed beyond all proportion with its actual impact on society.

To be clear, I am in favor of presenting violence and sexuality in movie theaters and on television. I also welcome sex outside movie theaters--in the home, the office, well shucks, pretty much anywhere.

Such scenes should not be gratuitous in nature, but fortunately, I have an extremely high threshold in terms of what “gratuitous” means. If both parties are consenting adults, hey, go for it.

While I realize some of these images are inappropriate for children under the age of 17, I have no children in that age bracket myself, so at this point it’s not my problem.

I have no quarrel with people policing what their own kids watch, so long as it does not interfere with my freedom to view all the sex and violence I want. This includes the so-called “family viewing hour,” since I sometimes have trouble staying up late enough to catch top-notch depictions of sex and violence later in the evening.

Although numerous studies link such material to antisocial behavior, others have been inconclusive. In fact, despite all the deplorable stuff on TV and in theaters--as well as widely publicized tragedies such as the latest school shootings in Oklahoma--recent data shows a general decline in teen pregnancy and juvenile crime. In short, what prompts such activity remains a complicated matrix, and sorting out the media’s role is about as easy as peeling a grape with your fingers.

I don’t put much stock in surveys indicating there is widespread support for cleaning up the media either. If viewing habits truly mirrored what people tell pollsters, “Masterpiece Theatre” would be TV’s top-rated program, high-speed chases wouldn’t be televised and Jerry Springer would be off somewhere selling Amway products.

So let’s look at the anecdotal evidence, which is more fun than stuffy university research anyway. Personally, I watched oodles of sex and violence as a kid, and as far as I can tell it had no effect on me whatsoever. The last time I hit anyone was in third grade, and that was inadvertent as I sought to escape a ruffian pummeling me for running through his tetherball court.

I even survived a period in my youth when my brother chose to test the viability of wrestling holds such as the Boston Crab and Oklahoma Hayride using me as the practice dummy. The most terrifying expression during those years was “Come here” about 10 minutes after wrestling ended.

Please don’t misunderstand. I care deeply about children and certainly respect the desire to shield kids from the more disturbing images in movies. For starters, I don’t see why any film directed by Quentin Tarantino or David Fincher (the fellow behind “Seven” and “The Fight Club”) ever need be shown on broadcast television.

That said, I have a hard time swallowing that seeing an anvil dropped on a cartoon coyote will cause kids any real harm. Moreover, teenagers dense enough to imitate absurdly dangerous stunts depicted in movies--such as the scene in “The Program” where a high school football player lies down in the middle of a well-trafficked highway--frankly may not be destined to pass along their genes to future generations.

While there is always the risk of people emulating dubious acts pictured in the media, determining what the public is presented simply can’t be predicated on the influence something might have on a demented or unhinged mind.

This doesn’t absolve broadcasters from acting responsibly, exercising self-restraint or having shame heaped upon them when they don’t; still, given the way technology is heading it’s time to recognize nothing will squeeze the genie back in the little bottle--even the old “I don’t believe you ever really fit in there” trick.

Let me add, as I pander to various voting segments, that I endorse the campaign pressuring broadcasters to feature more minority characters. Not only is it overdue, but I welcome anything that heightens the chance Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, Jennifer Lopez or Tyra Banks will appear on my TV screen. After all, some of our most successful politicians have demonstrated you can be married and still possess an eye for the ladies.

In terms of confessions, I also admit that I did not serve in the military and didn’t want to. Instead, I enrolled in college, attended class sporadically, watched sports and drank a lot of beer. And, yes, during those years I inhaled so frequently it’s difficult to fabricate a good excuse about it.

So feel free to watch TV if you wish--especially during the college football season--and try not to worry so much about the kids. They tend to be less fragile than you think, although I do not recommend experimenting with wrestling holds on them.

Thank you, and if God exists, may he or she smile on you all, including the atheists and agnostics. And please, drive home carefully, since I will be on the roads too.

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Brian Lowry’s column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached by e-mail at brian.lowry@latimes.com.