For Every Action, an Equal, Opposite and Completely Ridiculous Reaction

An IQ of 37-24-36: Everyone is horrified by the news that 50% of L.A.’s public school students are flunking their classes. For one thing, if the trend continues, it could severely limit the pool of future game-show contestants. It could also lead to an epidemic of misspelled and ungrammatical graffiti, which would be extremely annoying, unlike regular graffiti, which is art.

Fortunately, while everyone else is busy casting blame, Off-Kilter has developed a quick--and cheap--solution to the crisis. To improve student intelligence, simply plaster classroom walls with posters of supermodel Claudia Schiffer.

Don’t laugh. According to a study in Men’s Health magazine (forwarded to us by Baird Jones), thinking about Schiffer makes people smarter. Dutch researchers with nothing better to do recently discovered that people who were instructed to contemplate Schiffer while taking a trivia test scored better than those who were told to think about Albert Einstein.

The explanation: Humans subconsciously adopt the opposite traits of the person they’re thinking about--and apparently they consider the 29-year-old German supermodel a dim bulb, said researcher Ap Dijksterhuis.

The upshot is that America doesn’t need to waste tax money on hiring more schoolteachers or replacing antiquated textbooks. Just buy a few supermodel posters.

Naturally, Off-Kilter plans to apply this principle in our presidential campaign. As you may recall, we previously announced that our vice president would be another syndicated columnist, preferably Dear Abby, Sheinwold on Bridge or Hints From Heloise.

Upon further reflection, we have decided to appoint Claudia Schiffer as our running mate. And we intend to keep her constantly at our side. No, this isn’t some cheesy ploy to date a supermodel. It’s strictly for the good of the nation. If we’re constantly forced to think about Schiffer, we’re bound to devise super-brilliant government programs.

For example, based on the Dutch research that says people subconsciously take on the opposite traits of the person they’re thinking about, we can save billions on welfare by instructing poor people to meditate on pictures of homeless bums.

And instead of sending American troops to foreign lands, we can simply distribute photos of Grenada’s army to all our allies.

Christmas.com: Still stumped on gift ideas for that hard-to-shop-for relative or friend?

How about a vampire-killing kit from the early 1800s, complete with an ivory cross, holy water, powdered garlic, a wooden stake and a pistol with silver bullets (in case the vampire has a werewolf accomplice)? Valued at $18,000, the kit will be auctioned Saturday at https://www.livebid.amazon.com.

Also on the block are a 45-pound meteor found in Arizona (estimated value $60,000), a monkey skull from Tibet and an authentic pirate skull-and-crossbones flag (valued at $600,000).

Alarming Dates in History: Like most Americans, we regard Dec. 7 as “a day that will live in infamy”--but not because of Pearl Harbor. We’re talking about Dec. 7, 1974, when “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas became the No. 1 song in America.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Mugger Steals Fingernail Clippings at Gunpoint!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: London Telegraph, Wireless Flash News Service. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.