Respect for Bodies Starts Now

Dear Vicki: My 4-year-old’s sitter called me at the office yesterday afternoon in a panic. According to the frantic and embarrassed sitter, she caught my daughter and her girlfriend taking their pants off with the obvious intention of exploring each other’s anatomy. She told them to put their clothes back on and to sit where she could see them while she called me.

Naturally, I was shocked and worried, but I didn’t really know what to say over the phone to handle the situation. I remember playing doctor myself as a kid, and I know it’s normal, but I still feel like I should have handled the situation better.

--DOCTOR QUINN’S MOTHER

Dear Doctor’s Mother: Yes, your daughter and her friend are completely normal, and yes, here’s a great chance to get in some good parenting.

Start your “people and their privates” conversation with your sweetie by mentioning that the sitter was upset or confused by the incident. That takes the focus off the 4-year-old, who is bound to be worried about the sitter’s reaction and the judgment of adults who find out about the incident.

Explain that, since you weren’t home to see what happened, you’d love to hear your little one’s version of the events. Feel free to ask the sitter to join you to hear the “true story.” It will help relieve any of the child’s guilt.

Try to keep a straight face while you are given what probably will be a pretty incredible story. I have heard everything from, “Mary’s bottom was on fire, and she wanted me to put cream on it!” to “Johnny had my underwear on by mistake, and I was just getting it back.”

Don’t spend too much, if any, time questioning this explanation--this isn’t Perry Mason time. But then feel free to launch into your own explanation that, while all good friends may share clothes or even a tub, one’s “privates” are a special gift to be kept to one’s self. Mommy and Daddy and the family doctor may need to touch those areas from time to time, but no one else should, without parental permission.

Acknowledge that all children are curious about how each other’s body looks and feels, but explain that there is a promise among “big kids” to respect each other and to keep one’s hands to oneself.

It’s critical that all of us parents admit that something other than curiosity usually inspires our little ones to experiment with their bodies--it feels good. Yes, we adults may feel uncomfortable or even lightheaded at such grown-up sensations in our babies, but to pretend it isn’t a factor is to miss the boat entirely.

The point is, as you can tell your little one, it’s wonderful to have a body that gives us so many kinds of pleasure, and it’s our responsibility to use it appropriately. This is all part of growing from being a baby to a big girl or boy.

Take extraordinary measures to keep this lecture neutral and matter-of-fact. It’s an information download, much like explaining why we say “please” and “thank you.” A similar episode may happen again, but if you repeat this talk, you may nip such behavior in the bud . . . at least until puberty.

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.