In Santa’s Bag, the Right Gifts for the Needy and the Nice

This is the time of year when a burly, bearded fellow is supposed to sweep down from the sky and deliver gifts to deserving children all over the world.

In the television industry, where myths are kept alive primarily by studio accounting departments, yours truly is probably about as close to a burly, bearded gift-giver as anyone is apt to get.

Toward that end, a bag has been packed with presents for needy networks, programmers, writer-producers and even viewers. Delivery could take up to six weeks due to shipping and handling, but fortunately, that means the goodies should arrive just in time for the February rating sweeps.

Of course, actual receipt will depend on whether those who wished for the gifts have been naughty or nice, which should lighten the sleigh considerably. And be forewarned: Those even thinking unkind thoughts about the gift-bearer will find nothing but coal in their stockings--a talent developed through repeated viewing of that “Twilight Zone” episode about the little kid who keeps dispatching people to the Cornfield.

Some gifts, not surprisingly, countermand others. Corporations such as Disney, News Corp., Viacom and Time Warner would like nothing better than eight more years of the laissez-faire Federal Communications Commission that has allowed them for the most part to freely expand their empires, acquiring greater leverage in their various dealings.

By contrast, the few remaining independent producers would welcome a more regulatory environment. Sadly, about the only package that would aid their cause, at this point, would be to bestow upon consumers a clearer understanding of what all this media consolidation means in controlling the news and entertainment they see, hear and read, then let the chips fall where they may.

Fortunately, most of those on this year’s list have far more specific needs. Among them:

The major networks: A new sitcom hit, somewhere, before “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” and its game show ilk spread across prime time like locust.

TV’s comedy writers: Ditto.

Cable: A study in a respected medical journal indicating that owning a satellite dish causes rapid hair loss, weight gain and gout.

CBS and the NAACP: Solid ratings for producer Steven Bochco’s new dramatic series, “City of Angels,” to dispel the notion that programs with minority leads can no longer cross over and attract a broad audience.

The major networks, Part 2: A black, Latino and Asian David E. Kelley, and executives with the foresight to find those people and provide them opportunities.

David E. Kelley: Another David E. Kelley, of any color, to help shoulder the workload of writing “Ally McBeal,” “The Practice” and whatever new shows he creates.

NBC: A sitcom to go between “Friends” and “Frasier” that doesn’t make millions of Americans immediately start wondering if they should go empty the dishwasher or balance their checkbooks.

The “Friends” cast: Six matching minivans to haul off their loot, assuming they agree--no doubt after much fuss and hand-wringing--to return for additional seasons.

NBC, Part 2: Video re-releases of the box-office bombs “Ed,” “Kissing a Fool,” “Picture Perfect” and “Three to Tango” to help convince the “Friends” cast to sign for those extra seasons.

ABC: More parents willing to watch “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” and “The Wonderful World of Disney” with their children, allowing the network to put on more family-friendly fare.

CBS, Part 2: More young adults willing to watch “Diagnosis Murder” and “Touched by an Angel” with their parents and grandparents, allowing the network to make a buck on its older-skewing fare.

Fox: Provocative shows that can capture the imagination of young viewers without showing a guy being mauled by a pit bull or “caught on tape” rubbing his boss’ phone on his armpits.

The WB: A pair of sitcoms with the same demographic appeal as “Dawson’s Creek” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Think Tim Allen or Jerry Seinfeld, only with acne.

UPN: Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp agree to settle their differences with a “WWF Smackdown!” “cage match” during sweeps. Also on that night’s card: Boxing promoter Don King faces Howard Stern in a “loser gets his hair cut” contest.

HBO: A series deemed worthy to follow “The Sopranos” in the eyes of TV critics. Moses descending from Mt. Sinai with five more commandments or the Second Coming might do the trick.

MTV: Lots of slightly disturbed youths with drug or alcohol problems--a proven ratings-grabber--who will happily bare their souls on the next edition of “The Real World.”

Nickelodeon: A late fertility explosion by aging baby boomers to keep the channel neck-deep in “Rugrats” fans for years to come.

KCBS-TV: Hordes of women who actually enjoy watching Channel 2’s “Women 2 Women” news experiment. OK, how about two women?

Parents everywhere: A V-chip containing a “Pokemon” blocking device for those over 12.

TV watchdog groups: A G-rated film comedy hit that producers can seek to imitate, instead of everyone trying to fashion the series version of “There’s Something About Mary” or “American Pie.”

Network news organizations: Warren Beatty and Donald Trump not only decide to run for president, but they agree to engage in a 90-minute, name-naming debate to settle, once and for all, who has the better credentials as an unrepentant womanizer.

The “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” team: A Hula-Hoop, as a humble reminder that today’s craze can easily become tomorrow’s horse and buggy. Or, more succinctly, heard anyone talk about “South Park” on Comedy Central lately?

Dick Van Dyke: Some soft, fluffy slippers, in case he really does decide to kick our butts for that “Diagnosis Murder” joke a few weeks ago. Either that, or an ottoman to push him over.

Sports fans: A 2000 Summer Olympics surpassing the excitement and grandeur of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” or at least its ratings.

Future “Millionaire” contestants: A brain. Some courage. And the realization that even if you don’t win the top prize and become People magazine’s next cover boy, there’s no place like home.

Brian Lowry’s column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached by e-mail at brian.lowry@latimes.com.