A Glimpse Into the Goofy Year That Lies Ahead

I hate to be predictable. Predictions are preposterous. In my opinion, anyone who annoys you with predictions for the year 2000 is a truly unpleasant little pest and should be told, in no uncertain terms, “I predict that you are about to bore me to death.”

Here are a few predictions for the year 2000:

*

Democratic National Convention

Al Gore is nominated on the first ballot. His acceptance speech lulls millions of Americans into a peaceful, deep sleep. For a running mate, he selects Barbara Boxer, distinguished senator from the fine state of California. Pundits agree that “Gore-Boxer” is the meanest-sounding name for a presidential ticket in U.S. history.

Keynote speech by Warren Beatty still has Democratic delegates buzzing days later, especially the part about his having known Deep Throat’s true identity since 1974. Bill Clinton offers his full support to Gore in mapping campaign strategy and in hiring summer interns. Bill Bradley remains behind at Staples Center following the convention to become assistant coach to Phil Jackson.

*

NASA Space Program

All missions scrubbed. It being an election year, politicians agree to stop spending billions on flying to Mars and to start spending billions on feeding America’s homeless and hungry, at least until November.

*

New York Senate Race

Rudy Giuliani runs far ahead in the polls right up to election day. The mayor’s popularity increases when he attempts to have New York’s museums ban all artworks by Picasso as “too weird to support with public funds” and portraits by Paul Gauguin as “pictures of underdressed, underaged girls.” In defense of artistic freedom, however, Giuliani says he does really enjoy those paintings of Campbell’s soup cans.

Hillary Rodham Clinton is narrowly defeated, despite closing ground in the final hours by declaring herself a Jewish Catholic Baptist Protestant originally from Brooklyn who was brought up in the Bronx before moving to Buffalo and then attending college in Poughkeepsie while cheering for the Dodgers until they moved to Los Angeles, the dirty bums, whereupon she changed her loyalty to the Yankees and Mets and was proud to wear an I (Heart) NY shirt while singing “New York, New York” at the Radio City Music Hall while she kicked in a chorus line with the Rockettes.

*

The 72nd Academy Awards

Billy Crystal refers to “American Beauty” as being originally titled “The Linda Tripp Story.” He says Andy Kaufman is very much alive and planning to do a Jim Carrey bio picture. He says “The Sixth Sense” is probably the best Haley Joel Osment movie ever. He says the total budget for “The Blair Witch Project” came to 6 cents, but that studio accountants insist there are still no profits. He calls “Eyes Wide Shut” the best way to watch that movie.

*

Republican National Convention

George W. Bush is nominated on the first ballot. His acceptance speech includes the names of many a foreign leader, but he takes no questions from the audience. For a running mate, he selects Fred Thompson of Tennessee, joking that the vice presidency is as high as any politician from Tennessee should ever go.

Outside the convention hall, John McCain denies having a hot temper while deliberately flattening all four tires of Bush’s limo.

*

Sydney Summer Olympics

As the torch is lighted, the International Olympic Committee’s president makes an unfortunate slip of the tongue, saying, “Let the bribes begin!” The United States loses a gold medal in baseball to a team of 12-year-old boys from the Dominican Republic, six of whom have already inked contracts with the Dodgers. In boxing, the U.S. heavyweight is disqualified for biting a Russian kid’s ear off.

*

Reform Party Convention

Despite posters and pins endorsing Donald Trump and Jesse Ventura as a ticket of “The Hair and the Body,” the party’s nomination goes to Pat Buchanan, who vows that he and Vice President Winfrey will make this country a far better place.

*

Rose Bowl Football Game

Cheeseheads 27, Eggheads 20.

Happy new century.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com