Scooping Up Down the Bridal Path

Hearing Wedding Cowbells: Traditionally, the lowest-ranking person on the wedding-party food chain has been the flower girl or guest book attendant. But that’s changing.

The new bottom dweller is “pooper-scooper person,” whose official duty is to clean up after the increasing number of cattle, pigs and other animals now involved in marriage ceremonies.

For example, an Indiana couple recently invited cows wearing ribbons and flowers to stand behind the altar during their nuptials, according to wedding planner Carley Roney. The couple also posed for formal photos with the bovines.

In Florida, a groom draped a pet boa constrictor over his tuxedo while pledging “I do.” And a New York City couple used a potbellied pig as their flower girl.

So far, we haven’t heard of animal groomsmen or bridesmaids, but it’s only a matter of time.

Also muscling into the romance racket is Taco Bell’s Chihuahua, whose owners just ran newspaper ads promising to buy a $10,000 engagement ring for the person who sends the cleverest video or photo montage explaining how he or she would propose matrimony using the new Taco Bell Chihuahua toy that says, “I think I’m in love.”

(In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that our landlord is a bigwig at Taco Bell but that no rent discounts or burritos containing $10,000 rings were received in exchange for printing this item--although we dropped plenty of hints. But we’re still hoping for a kickback for plugging today’s special wedding section.)

A Roll in the Hay Keeps the Doctor Away?: A new study from Wilkes University in Pennsylvania claims that people who make love once or twice a week are more immune to colds than those who abstain, possibly because bedroom activity somehow boosts an illness-fighting antibody. However, the benefit disappears for those who have sex three or more times a week, researchers said.

In a related story, Republican prosecutors say the impeachment trial of President Clinton “isn’t about sex; it’s about how often the president gets sick.”

Hulk Chicken Bureau: The professional wrestler named Goldberg joined the Humane Society in supporting a Senate bill that would ban cockfighting in the three states where it’s legal. Goldberg said the practice of letting roosters fight to the death is “despicable.”

Oh, come on. Everyone knows those bird fights are faked.

Going Once, Going Twice Department: Auctioneer training schools are gaining in popularity, according to officials at the World Wide College of Auctioneering in Mason City, Iowa. Tuition for Iowa’s eight-day program is $895. Do we hear $900?

G.I. Buzz?: Feb. 2--it’s not just for groundhogs anymore. Tuesday was also California Kiwifruit Day, Pebbles Flintstone’s 36th birthday and G.I. Joe’s 35th birthday. In conjunction with the last, Hasbro is rolling out a new line of G.I. Joe dolls modeled after baseball slugger Ted Williams, astronaut Buzz Aldrin and Teddy Roosevelt.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “The Pee-Pee Psychic! Woman Tells People’s Futures by Looking at Their Urine Samples!” (Weekly World News)

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News, PR Newswire. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.