Oh, Great: Collectibles That Talk
Alarming Trends Monitor: In case you thought the fad for Furbys and Beanie Babies couldn’t get any worse . . . coming soon: Furby beanbag toys.
Going Postal: We realize this could spur an avalanche of mail, but reader Neil Cuadra found more goofy misheard lyrics on the Internet--and we couldn’t resist printing a few:
* David Bowie’s “Ground control to Major Tom” misheard as “Clown control to Mao Tse-tung.”
* Elton John’s “Hold me closer, tiny dancer” recast as “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.” Also: “Candle in the Wind” changed to “It seems to me, you lived your life like a Ken doll in the wind.”
* Bachman-Turner Overdrive’s “Takin’ Care of Business” rewritten as “Baking Carrot Biscuits.”
* Steve Miller’s “big old jet airliner” heard as “big old Jedi wino.”
We also wonder if people ever mishear movie titles, such as “Dead Man Walking” sounding like “Dead Man Joaquin.”
Psychic Christian Bureau: In our previous life as a responsible journalist (before we stopped taking our medication), we once wrote about the Christian prophecy movement--a fascinating, bizarre and controversial practice in which conservative Christian seers (usually affiliated with the Vineyard network of churches) predicted the future for individuals and nations.
One of the prophecies--which we’ve kept since early 1993--involved Bill Clinton. It doesn’t mention sex scandals or impeachment, but it’s still interesting to read six years later. Excerpts:
* “God has often elected leaders who were of questionable moral stature but would change them. King David was both a murderer and adulterer, but God still loved him and used him. . . . The Lord stated it was his intention to use Bill Clinton for good and not for evil, but it will depend on how the church responds to him.”
* “Instead of complying with the biblical mandate of praying for the government . . . some respected Christian leaders will actually start to rejoice that they have a perceived enemy in the White House because of the amount of money they can raise. . . . Self-righteousness has crept into the movement to such a degree that the Lord himself is about to oppose it.”
* “It is the Lord’s intention for Clinton to triumph over the obstacles the enemy will put in his place.”
* “If the church would spend as much time and energy on preaching the Gospel and prayer as it now spends on politics and emphasizing bad news, there could be such a revival that we wouldn’t have to worry about changing laws.”
Quote of the Day: From Chicago columnist Zay N. Smith: “Researchers have found that an electric eel produces 500 volts, an electric catfish 350 volts and an electric ray 220 volts, so now you know which one to plug your washing machine into.”
Ground Control to Readers: Off-Kilter is on vacation until March 1 baking carrot biscuits with Tony Danza.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Man Shoots Sparks When He Passes Gas! Some Folks Wet Beds--He Sets Them on Fire!” (Weekly World News)
Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News, Millennium Watch Institute, https://eaglestar.org.
