Navy Families Deploy Special Forces to Cope With Stress of Separation

Nicolas Gutierrez, 8, remembers the bad headaches he got last year.

“They were throbbing up here,” he said, pointing to his temples. “They would go away and then would come back really bad.”

Every time he got one, he went into his room, turned off all the lights, hid under his covers and waited for it to go away.

His dad, Lt. Wayne Gutierrez, a pilot stationed at Point Mugu’s Naval Air Weapons Station, remembers too. Every few weeks during his six-month deployment in the Mediterranean, he called home and heard about the doctor appointments, the tests and his son’s pain.

Nicolas’ migraines lasted for months, and doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

But when Gutierrez came home, his son’s headaches went away.

The doctors said Nicolas’ headaches were due to stress--from his dad’s long absences.

On three tours of sea duty, Gutierrez left his family for months at a time. He missed his son’s first steps, his daughter’s softball games, both of their birthday parties. One year, he was away on Christmas Day.

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And while he was gone, his wife, Amy, received phone calls only every few weeks, and had to make many family decisions on her own. She said it was like being a single parent, except with more financial support.

For most sailors and pilots, Navy service means months--even years--on sea duty and away from home. And while long deployments may strengthen some family relationships, they usually put pressure on them, according to Beatrice Volpe, chief counselor at Port Hueneme’s Naval Construction Battalion Center.

While the sailor is gone, the wife--or sometimes the husband--stays at home and takes care of the children and the household. And communication is limited to a handful of phone calls, or now, more frequent e-mails.

“Deployment doesn’t fix problems in a marriage or ruin it irrevocably,” Volpe said. “But naturally, leaving family brings a lot of stressors.”

Volpe said she sees couples every day struggling to deal with the pressures.

She encourages families to communicate as much as possible, and to take advantage of the Navy’s services, including counseling and support groups. She said if couples realize that their feelings of sadness, anger and resentment are normal, they will cope better with the deployment. And for some, the long deployments are an opportunity for a new beginning.

Some Marriages Don’t Survive the Strain

But not all marriages can survive the time apart. Lt. Cmdr. Ron Fleming, commanding officer of a helicopter combat squadron stationed at Point Mugu, separated from his wife five years ago. Early in his career, and his marriage, he spent what amounted to two years away from home on sea duty.

Now his ex-wife and three sons live in Virginia and he sees them only a few times a year. A framed picture of his sons sits on his desk, and a heart-shaped Valentine note from one hangs from his bookshelf.

Fleming doesn’t blame the Navy for the breakup of his marriage, and he said he wouldn’t have sacrificed his job for more time with his family. But he does wish that when he was home, he had made the time more valuable.

And he wishes he hadn’t kept secrets from his wife--such as the date of his next tour, when he would be back or how long he would be gone.

“The Navy doesn’t cause divorces,” Fleming said. “But it can be the Achilles’ heel of a weak marriage. In a young marriage, you have a lot of insecurities. And when you’re gone a lot, it plays on those insecurities.”

Now, Fleming advises the eager enlisted men and women under his command to stay home as much as they can and to make their families a priority. He also encourages them to seek counseling.

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“I wish there had been mandatory marriage classes to tell me what was important,” Fleming said.

Mike Cianci, an electrician with the Naval Construction Battalion Center at Port Hueneme, leaves for seven months at a time. In the last four years, he has gone on four deployments, to Guatemala, Hawaii, Jamaica and Micronesia.

His first trip in 1995 was the hardest--both for him and his new wife, Melissa. When he left, Melissa’s father had just died, she had just been diagnosed with diabetes and she was almost seven months pregnant with their first son.

While Cianci was gone, Brennan was born. By the time Cianci returned, Brennan was about 3 months old.

Cianci said it was tough to view his son’s first minutes, weeks and months in pictures.

“When we got back, I literally had to fight the commanding officer to be the first one off the plane,” he said. “And I was like, ‘Wow.’ And then the baby puked on me.”

Melissa Cianci said she knows her husband loves his job--so she does everything she can to make the best of the time when he’s gone. She works as a day-care provider and spends time with friends who live in the area.

And even though Cianci doesn’t like leaving his wife and son alone, he said he wouldn’t give up being a Seabee.

“It’s my job,” he said. “It’s what I do. It’s what I signed up to do. I love what I do, and I have to provide for my family.”

Melissa Cianci said she knew what she was getting into. But many young wives don’t realize that their husband’s military duties can pull them away from family, put them in unfamiliar places and leave them there while husbands go away on long deployments.

At the end of the month, the Ciancis are transferring to Winter Harbor, Maine, where they don’t know anyone. Melissa said she expects to ask counselors for help there, because she won’t have a support network of friends and family as she does here.

Reunion--the Flip Side of Family Disruption

Amy Gutierrez said she lost her network of support when she moved to California from Florida. Wayne’s long absences took a huge toll on her and the children. She didn’t realize that she would have to do everything while he was gone--from handling the finances to mowing the lawn to changing the oil.

“It was really stressful,” she said. “Every time, the first two weeks he was gone, the entire family was in complete chaos. And we had to adapt to just us being the family unit.”

And then the cycle started all over again when he got back. He wanted to be part of the decision-making process again--rather than just a sounding board from thousands of miles away.

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“They have to change their routines to include me,” he said. “And subconsciously, it’s hard for them to switch gears. But in time, it gets back to normal.”

Amy Gutierrez said in some ways the long absences strengthened her marriage because neither she nor her husband took their time together for granted. Although she rarely sought formal counseling, she frequently attended group sessions on deployment.

Deployment is such a hard time for couples that Volpe actually offers special counseling meetings before the sailor leaves and before he comes home.

During a “pre-deployment” briefing, Volpe gives couples advice on making the best of a deployment.

She tells them to work together on family goals, such as saving money for a vacation. And she encourages the spouse staying home to have an individual set of goals, such as learning something new or rekindling old friendships.

And during a “reunion” seminar, Volpe warns spouses that readjustment to family routines will take several weeks, not several hours. And during both sessions, she emphasizes “communication, communication, communication.”

Keeping in touch is easier now with e-mail available on ships. Instead of just sharing the major events, couples can talk about more of the daily happenings. Wayne Gutierrez said the Internet was a big morale boost, and the only thing better would be the Navy flying his family out to visit.

But even with the support, and e-mail, Gutierrez still got tired of leaving his family. After nine years at the naval air station in Jacksonville, Fla., he applied for a transfer to Point Mugu so he could avoid more long tours. Since he arrived here five months ago, he has had more flexibility and only has to leave for a few weeks at a time.

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“I feel like I have the best of both worlds,” he said. “I still get to fly, I get to live in California, and I don’t have to spend as much time away from home.”

Nicolas said he’s glad his dad doesn’t have to leave as much. He doesn’t get headaches anymore, and his dad can help coach his football and baseball teams.

“It’s better now because he won’t miss stuff,” Nicolas said.