A Year of Fire, Doom and Tiny Men
Along with the new year comes a new crop of ridiculous calendars. From heartthrobs to hot rods to hamsters, there is something for everyone. Here are our nominations for the most, well, unusual calendars for 1999:
“Pigs on Parade,” a succulent selection of sows in funny outfits and settings. August’s “You Are My Sunswine” scene is a take on Anne Geddes’ ubiquitous babies-in-flowerpots, while October’s pinup porker is a very green “Frankenswine.”
The photographs in the “Mailbox, U.S.A.” calendar are derived from Rachel Epstein’s book by the same name, a study of “America’s love affair with the mail.” Each month features a different handmade letterbox. February’s is shaped like a set of teeth. “I’ve been making teeth for the last 26 years, and I thought it would be appropriate to make a mailbox that showed what I do for a living,” owner-maker Fred Gelfand says. Indeed, but why the calendar?
“Disasters of the 20th Century” is even more difficult to fathom. Who on earth wants to be reminded of the vagaries of fire, flood, extreme weather conditions and tragic human error? Maybe it’s supposed to be uplifting--the endurance of the human spirit and all that. Still, we’re not convinced people need to relive the 1986 explosion of the space shuttle each day in May.
“Fireground” is similarly depressing. “Feel the heat from this calendar featuring working fires from around the country, with first-due action on every page!” reads the back cover. Can a calendar on the world’s greatest car chases be far behind? Or maybe we missed this year’s. . . .
On a lighter note, “The Perfect Man” calendar offers a different boy toy each month. Choose from August’s tiny chef (“He’s handsome. He’s talented. And he’ll always be rolling in the dough,” the caption reads), March’s red-haired troll (“He’s nice. He’s quiet. And he can’t tease you when you have a bad hair day.”), and many more. Ten more, to be exact.
Preying on the millennial mania that’s now reaching epidemic proportions, “End of the World” does little to assuage our fears. The calendar provides a different theory, prophecy or prediction for the future each month. Read about happy topics like doomsday cults, alien invasions and World War III. There’s even a handy timeline of predictions from Nostradamus, Cayce, the Branch Davidians, Jehovah’s Witnesses and others about when the world will end (or should have ended). After all, a calendar is the gift that keeps giving all year. Or in this case, at least until the world ends.
