Perfectionists May Be Making a Big Mistake

Buddhism teaches its followers that they should be mindful of what is happening during each moment of each day.

Perfectionists would do well to take this tenet to heart. Driven to succeed, they often get bogged down in details, insist on doing things their way and generally make life miserable for their co-workers.

We all know them. Maybe you are one. But experts say perfectionists generally don’t know themselves at all. An inner sense of inadequacy and fear of disapproval often drives them to do what they do.

“Being a perfectionist reflects an ultimate lack of self-acceptance,” said Laura Berman Fortgang, a career coach and author of “Take Yourself to the Top: The Secrets of America’s #1 Career Coach” (Warner Books, 1998).

Studies on people who try too hard have shown that their behavior often makes them physically sick. Perfectionists can stay healthier both mentally and physically, management consultants say, by identifying and rejecting thoughts that constantly push them to do more. They tend to talk to themselves in a negative way both at work and at home.

“Perfectionists tend to engage in dysfunctional ‘self-talk’ that increases their stress, makes them more moody, anxious and depressed and reduces their performance,” said Christopher Neck, an assistant professor at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University and coauthor of “Mastering Self-Leadership: Empowering Yourself for Personal Excellence” (Prentice-Hall, 1999). “Perfectionists many times don’t realize what they are doing to themselves with their” self-criticism.

Some examples of negative self-talk that Neck lists in his book include: “It’s going to be another one of those days,” “I don’t have the talent,” “I hate working within a team,” “If only I was a little smarter, then I could do this job really well” and “If only I had more time.”

Those with an obsession to be perfect also talk themselves into putting off projects because they’re overwhelmed at the thought of tackling the problems that will accompany them.

“They can get bogged down with details, such as the appearance of a report, and neglect more important things like content,” said Ann Smith, a therapist and author of “Overcoming Perfectionism: The Key to a Balanced Recovery” (Health Communications, 1990). “They are prone to isolating and doing things alone and struggle with team concept because they can’t stand the imperfections of others.”

When working on a team project, it often helps for perfectionists to get feedback from colleagues to determine if their compulsion to do everything right is negatively affecting the team, said Rodney L. Lowman, a professor at the San Diego-based California School of Professional Psychology.

“They can also look at patterns in their lives,” Lowman said. “For people who have a problem with this, it is a pattern that cuts across many different types of activities.”

Another way to determine if your perfectionist streak is harming your happiness is to review your emotional reaction when you finish a demanding project that turned out well. Those without perfectionist urges will feel a sense of fulfillment, while perfectionists will continue to worry obsessively, even after a project deadline.

Les Kaye, who combined a career at IBM with becoming a Zen master, counsels in his book, “Zen at Work: A Zen Teacher’s 30-year Journey in Corporate America” (Three Rivers Press, 1996), that employees need to understand how their desires and emotional patterns cause problems to arise at the office.

“From a practical viewpoint, karma is a way of understanding the harmful consequences of our habits,” Kaye writes. “Putting an end to these habits, and to the suffering they create, must start with recognizing their existence and accepting them as our own, as our problems, not someone else’s. All of this depends on an unbiased, unfiltered awareness of what is going on.”

Neck suggests that those who constantly feel stressed or overwhelmed should try to adjust the negative self-talk that often accompanies a challenging situation.

This is where being aware comes in--those with perfectionist urges must continually ask themselves how they are feeling and then examine the way they talk to themselves when they’re feeling this way.

After rebutting their negative thoughts, perfectionists can also practice constructive self-talk before confronting a challenging situation.

This method is often practiced by athletes, who imagine themselves successfully completing a sporting event before they even step onto the field, Neck said.

Perfectionists can try to short-circuit their urges by turning in a project they consider to be less than their perfect best, Lowman said. This exercise will help them to see that the world will not come crashing down if they make a mistake.

It’s also important for those who constantly strive to be perfect to realize that their way of doing things isn’t always the best way and to remind themselves to be open to alternatives from others, said Bob Nelson, president of San Diego-based Nelson Motivation Inc.

Kaye says he learned that employees’ happiness is based on their gaining true knowledge of themselves. Living a contented life at the office requires emphasizing the process of work rather than the gratification that follows a project, he continues.

“Working ceased to be a means to an end for gaining recognition and a more comfortable life as quickly as possible,” Kaye writes. “Success was now feeling satisfaction in the ongoing process of working, in the activity itself, the taking care, not only in achieving goals.”

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

Talking to Yourself

Perfectionists tend to engage in negative “self-talk” that increases stress, reduces their performance and sabotages their relationships with colleagues. Christopher Neck, an assistant professor at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, suggests perfectionists try the following approach to be kinder to themselves:

1. Be Aware. When confronted with a challenge, realize you can’t always control the situation, but you can adjust your reaction to it, or your self-talk that resulted from it.

2. Continue to be aware. Ask yourself if you are feeling stressed at work and home. If so, examine your self-talk to try to reduce negative feelings.

3. Analyze your self-talk tendencies. Ask yourself: Is it constructive? Does it motivate and facilitate performance? Does it add or reduce stress?

4. Identify negative types of self-talk you would like to eliminate and determine more constructive internal dialogue you would like to develop.

5. Practice constructive self-talk when dealing with tasks in your life.

Source: Christopher Neck, assistant professor, department of management, Pamplin College of Business, Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University