Fashion Memo to Dustin: Justice Wears a Gown Too

There is no truth to the rumor that Dustin Hoffman will be pictured in next month’s issue of Playboy, wearing nothing but a feather boa and a tattoo of a bunny.

There is no truth to the rumor that Dustin Hoffman will be pictured in the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, wearing nothing but a bikini the size of a slingshot.

There is no truth to the rumor that Dustin Hoffman will be pictured in an upcoming issue of Ladies Home Journal, wearing ladies’ clothing, sitting at home, keeping a journal.

But he was pictured in a March 1997 issue of Los Angeles magazine, wearing a gown and heels.

Which is why Hoffman is spending January 1999 inside a Los Angeles courtroom, wearing a coat and tie.

The actor has sued the magazine in federal court, contending that if he wanted to be a fashion model, he probably would have:

(a) Not done it for free;

(b) Not done it in a dress;

(c) Not done it for Los Angeles magazine, which is known for its fashion layouts the way Popular Mechanics is known for its restaurant reviews.

At least this is the way I interpret the intense courtroom battle, Hoffman’s biggest since Kramer defeated Kramer.

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OK, so it isn’t exactly intense. OK, so the court coverage hasn’t exactly been O.J.-esque.

(On the Channel 5 news Wednesday night, when a TV reporter asked Hoffman about the trial, Hoffman’s reply was that the reporter’s boots looked exactly like a pair Marlon Brando once wore. I haven’t seen a TV moment with this much drama since Mr. Rogers sang a song while trying on a new cardigan sweater.)

Nevertheless, Hoffman vs. Los Angeles has been getting plenty of prime-time news coverage. Let’s face it, it’s been a while since we had a good story about a man in a dress, especially with us not having pro basketball.

One San Fernando Valley newspaper even put Hoffman’s case on its front page Wednesday, right under a big story about killer bees. I think this pretty much sums up what everybody in the Valley was talking about that day, Dustin Hoffman in high heels and killer bees.

(Meanwhile, the Washington Post probably wasted Page 1 space with all that Senate-Clinton nonsense).

I personally intend to keep following this big Hoffman case, as I also suggest Court TV do. There is a lot more I want to know about this scandal, including whether it’s true that Linda Tripp asked Dustin to save the dress.

For those who haven’t been following it--and I can’t imagine such a thing, this being California’s most notorious trial in all of 1999--the fashion layout featured Hoffman in a dress, along with a few other Hollywood figures who look even better in a dress than Dustin does--Marilyn Monroe, Vivien Leigh, Elizabeth Taylor and Susan Sarandon.

“Dustin Hoffman isn’t a drag in a butter-colored silk gown by Richard Tyler and Ralph Lauren heels,” a caption read.

I remember how good Hoffman looked. I ran right out and bought a butter-colored silk gown by Richard Tyler and Ralph Lauren heels for myself, the heels being murder to find in size 13.

Well, it turned out that this “photo” of Hoffman was a computer-generated composite. He did not pose. He did not dress in a butter-colored silk gown by Richard Tyler and Ralph Lauren heels, even though I’m sure he would have looked quite fetching in a butter-colored silk gown by Richard Tyler and Ralph Lauren heels, as almost any man or woman would.

Hoffman was unhappy, I gather, because the layout listed where this Tyler and Lauren ensemble could be bought, and for how much. I sure hope Sports Illustrated won’t make this same mistake with his swimsuit.

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A magazine doesn’t generally require an actor’s permission to run his picture, altered or not. The question in this case is whether Hoffman’s picture seemed to be endorsing a product.

Hoffman doesn’t do advertisements, although many years ago, he did do a very funny TV commercial for Volkswagen. (It was in black and white, so I don’t recall if the Volkswagen was butter-colored.)

So, he sued.

I usually can tell an ad from an article. I personally never would have guessed that Dustin Hoffman was endorsing a dress and heels. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have been so sure if he had been modeling, say, Marlon Brando’s boots.

Dustin did look damn good in that dress, though. So good, I’d give him only one more word of advice:

Plastics.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com