Getting Acquainted With Flirting

If you’ve got the candy but are missing a sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, you might want to start flirting. Ginie Sayles is the bestselling author of “The Seduction Mystique” (Avon Books, 1997) and the teacher of “Powerflirting,” a bimonthly class offered through the Learning Annex. We caught up with the Houston author during her recent trip to Los Angeles and asked her to explain the proper techniques. If you don’t see success by V-Day, Sayles returns in March.

When people flirt, what are they trying to say?

“The message of flirting is, ‘I’m ready for relationships.’ Plural. It has to be that you’re ready for many relationships with the opposite sex. That’s what flirting is about. If a person is sending out the signal, ‘I’m ready for a relationship,’ that’s not flirting, it’s hunting. Flirting is part of nature’s sexual sorting process--kind of like going to the supermarket, when you glance at things to see if it’s what you want to put in your basket. When two people look at each other, if one flirts and the other flirts back, they’re saying, ‘Maybe.’ Maybe not, but maybe. And that’s a lot sexier than either yes or no.”

You mention a number of actual flirting tactics in your class, like eye contact. What’s the proper way to do this?

“When flirting, it is very important that the eyes lock for about three to six seconds. And if you’re too shy to hold the eye contact, then what you want to do is glance back twice. If you don’t lock for that long or glance back, it’s like you just sort of glanced at someone without any interest.”

Staring is much more effective for men than it is for women. Why?

“A lot of men don’t want to approach a woman when she’s with a group, yet they want to get her attention. If they stare at her, as long as it’s a positive stare, then it gets her attention and it gets her curious about him. Chances are, she will change proximity to get closer to him. She might excuse herself to make a phone call or go to the bathroom--and when she does that, the man can very easily say something to her. So the stare is a very effective way of getting the woman’s attention without the man saying anything to her. Some women can do the stare, but a lot of women have told me that men misinterpret it as more of a direct sexual invitation when they just wanted to meet the person.”

What look should a man have on his face when staring at a woman?

“When a man looks at a woman, he should look at her as if she were delicious. That’s really the perfect expression. It makes him an irresistible force.”

Does what you wear have any effect on flirting?

“Colors are important. The message with pastels, like pale pink, is ‘I’m a little shy, but I’m optimistic.’ They’re come-closer colors. Bright colors--red, hot pink, bright white--are the ‘Here I am, no apologies’ colors. They’re more outgoing. Pastels and brights are the relationship colors, and they’re both equally effective. Dark colors are authority colors, and they’re really great for business. Earth tones are for friendship. You’re saying, ‘Don’t single me out.’ ”

What if you’re rejected while flirting? It’s hard to avoid taking that personally.

“Rejection feels real, but it’s not. When the other person seems to reject you, it has less to do with you than it has to do with what is going on in that other person’s life at that moment. They may have just gotten fired or come out of a relationship. None of that has anything to do with you. At some other point in time, this person might have responded differently. When you flirt and are rejected, tell yourself it was just practice.”