A Cruise Not for the Faint of Stomach

Dr. Maxwell Rosenblatt of L.A. received a flier for a cruise that advertised tour guides who were “not conventional,” including a professor “enteritis.”

Talk about unconventional!

Asked Rosenblatt: “Fun and games with the intestinal tract?”

He added that the flier probably meant “emeritus” rather than a term for an intestinal disorder. Especially on a cruise.

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MOVING ON TO FACE LIFTS: I’ve heard of construction delays, but this. . . . A reader enclosed an ad for a house that has been under construction since Grover Cleveland was president (see accompanying).

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SPEAKING OF FINANCING PROBLEMS: Helga Schwarz noticed that a restaurant in Santa Barbara doesn’t discourage an old-fashioned alternative to paying for a meal (see accompanying).

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NAILED: Gene Walsh writes that a friend suspects that at least one traffic cop in a San Gabriel Valley city has his eye on wet-fingernailed patrons leaving beauty salons.

The friend, Walsh writes, had just had a manicure and since “her nails were still wet when she departed, the manicurist accompanied her to her car, inserted her keys in the ignition and asked her if she wanted her seat belt hooked up.”

Walsh’s friend said no because she lived just a few blocks away. She hadn’t gone very far when a motorcycle cop pulled her over. The friend says the officer asked her if she had just had her nails done. She said yes.

“Is that why you are not wearing your belt?” he asked.

Trying the honest approach, she answered, “Yes, I live nearby and didn’t want to ruin this $30 nail job.”

The officer responded , “This time, your nail job will cost you $52,” and presented her with a $22 ticket for driving sans seat belt.

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A CLAIMS ADJUSTER’S HOME AWAY FROM HOME: That State Farm study rating Santa Monica and Wilshire boulevards one of the most dangerous intersections in the nation recalls a piece of lore. Earlier this century, the site was occupied by the Beverly Hills Speedway, an auto racetrack.

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SWITCHING TO DENTAL RAGE: On a trip back east, William Penn of South Pasadena saw a sign in which a dentist threatened to have non-customers’ cars pulled out (see photo).

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ROLL CALL: Young stars pictured during their high school days in People’s Teen 1999 issue include Alicia Silverstone (“Clueless”), who attended both San Mateo and Beverly Hills high schools; Leonardo DiCaprio, Marshall High; Cameron Diaz, Long Beach Poly; Claire Danes (TV’s “My So-Called Life”), Le Lycee Francais in West L.A.; Jenna Elfman (TV’s “Dharma and Greg”), L.A. County High School for the Arts; Matthew Perry (TV’s “Friends”), Buckley School in West L.A.; and David Schwimmer (also of “Friends”), Beverly Hills High.

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STUDENTS FAMOUS FOR OTHER REASONS: Juel Goldstock of L.A. shared some excerpts collected from the eccentric writings of his high school students. Highlights (or lowlights) include:

* “Love has made me dumer.”

* “I want free pay per view.”

* “Paul is the protagonist. He is severely injured, dies and becomes confused.”

* “It was awful. He died a slow antagonizing death.”

* “My mom’s the best. When I had the flu, she fed and cooked me.”

* “She’ll never love Cyrano because of his big noise.”

Enough to give a teacher enteritis.

miscelLAny:

Oh, before I forget, Happy Fiscal New Year! Hope you weren’t up too late balancing the books last night.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.