LAUGH LINES

Anything Is Possible: At UCLA Medical Center, a woman awoke from what doctors thought had been an irreversible coma while a priest was giving her the last rites. “She’s catatonic, and then she’s up and talking to people. So it looks like Al Gore may have found his running mate.” (Steve Voldseth)

The Score Is Love-All: NBA legend Julius Erving has admitted he is the father of Wimbledon competitor Alexandra Stevenson. “More shocking news about Dr. J--it turns out he’s not even a real doctor. He doesn’t have a medical degree at all. He’s a chiropractor.” (Jay Leno)

It Stands to Reason: George Washington may have fathered a child by his brother’s slave. “If he was going to become the father of our country, he had to start somewhere.” (Daily Scoop)

The Essential David Letterman

Least inspirational patriotic songs:

10. “The Battle Hymn of Rosie O’Donnell.”

7. “The 10-10-321 Overture.”

2. “Stars and Stripes Forever . . . or at Least Until This Y2K Thing Blows Us All Sky-High.”

1. “When Jar Jar Comes Marching Home.”

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