Should Cash-Strapped Mom Remarry, for Richer or Poorer?

Dear Vicki: I was married for nearly 10 years to the father of my kids. He was, and is, a good provider for all of us--even though we’ve been divorced for four years.

Here’s the thing: I have fallen in love again, and I would love to marry this man. But if I do, I won’t get my spousal support. I guess that’s the rule, but I could just live with my new love and be far better off financially. (He’s a teacher, and you know what they earn.)

So I’m stuck between setting the right example for my kids (and acting according to my own morals) and being able to afford a family vacation and a baby-sitter now and then. What should I do?

--DIVORCED AND

STILL DEPENDENT

Dear D&D;: The problem is that few men I’ve met actually believe, deep down in their hearts, in the fundamental fairness of community property. They seem to think if they are the primary wage earners that they are bestowing a “gift” on their former wives when they part with money, property or offspring.

This is particularly true, I think, when one of the partner’s jobs is in the home, with no weekly paycheck; and these people are also almost always of the wifely persuasion. Most divorced men I know fall to their knees in humble gratitude the day their exes become the partner (read: dependent) of another man, and they slip out of the spousal support noose.

Your new romance leads to uncomfortable but necessary discussions between you and your past mate and you and your future mate.

Rare is the ex who just says, “Congratulations, honey; have a nice marriage, and the gown’s on me.” Still, a wise man knows that keeping his former wife happy and providing stability for his kids is worth coming to some financial settlement that errs on the side of generosity.

I hear a few of you out there saying, “Oh, c’mon! If she really loved the guy, she’d live on his teacher’s salary or get a job outside the house!” Well . . . there’s a little bit of truth to that, but I think that any spousal support you are awarded is money you “earned” during the marriage while you worked as a homemaker and partner.

But before you talk to your ex, check with your new beloved--he might refuse to accept a dime from Hubby No. 1.

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Dear Vicki: How old is too old to let your kids see you naked? My little boy and I have always loved bathing together, but recently he seems to be a little too interested in my breasts and below.

--FREUDIAN SLIPPERS

AND A ROBE

Dear Slippers: I started wearing a bathing suit in the shower with my son when one of my closest girlfriends called to say that her little boy told her she looked just like Jessica Rabbit. It was then that I also noticed the eye level of most toddlers standing beside their mommies.

The politically incorrect part of this is that I didn’t cover up for my daughters at this same age, and not because they didn’t notice anything different about me.

They have asked me innumerable questions about where hair grows and how puffy certain parts of a mom’s body are supposed to be. When I’m feeling patient and relatively body-proud, I give them honest and in-depth answers. When I’m feeling bloated and edgy, I ask through clenched teeth, “What does it take to get a moment of privacy in this house, anyway?!!”

It’s time to adopt a bit of modesty at the precise moment you or your child begins to feel uncomfortable. Just do what feels right for you.

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Vicki Iovine is the harried author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and mother of four. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com. Please include your name and phone number. Questions cannot be answered individually, and no telephone calls, please.