Want to Reconnect With Your Teen? Get Out of Town

Rose Thomas won’t ever forget that sunset stroll with her three teenage daughters on a beach in Mexico. Nothing momentous happened, but if you count those never-enough, wish-they’d-last-forever vacation moments, Thomas hit the jackpot.

“We just walked along and talked, relaxed and savored the time together. As the kids get older, how often does that happen?” asked Thomas, a busy suburban Chicago real estate agent who also has a fourth, younger child. “We didn’t even spend any money! Vacation can be a rare opportunity for parents of teens [to get closer to each other],” she said.

Once they’re away from their friends, the phone and e-mail, many teens will be far more receptive to such family togetherness than you might expect. They’ll even be willing to be seen in public with you.

“It helps that on vacation, you’re the only human beings around they know,” said Don Wertlieb, a Boston child psychologist and child studies professor at Tufts University who is the father of three teens. “Use the chance to reconnect with them.”

Sixty percent of 12- to 14-year-olds surveyed for a new Time-Nickelodeon poll said they wished they could spend more time with their parents.

Ninety-five percent of 15- to 17-year-olds questioned around the country for a recent national survey of adults, kids and teens, the 1999 Portrait of Family Travel (conducted by Yesawich, Pepperdine and Brown, an Orlando, Fla.-based advertising and public relations firm that specializes in travel), said they wanted to vacation with friends. But many teens still are interested in vacationing with Dad (71%) or Mom (65%).

“Kids are telling us that they realize [that] with all that’s gone on this year [at Columbine High School and other school shootings] that it doesn’t make sense to be so distant from people, especially their families,” explained Amy Paulsen, executive editor of Teen People magazine, which reaches 1.3 million teens.

“You can’t force intimacy with a teen,” she continued. “But a vacation together can go a long way toward breaking down the barriers.”

Sounds great, you’re thinking. But my kid hardly talks to me, except when he wants me to drive him someplace or she wants me to buy her something. How are we going to have a warm and fuzzy time on vacation?

It won’t be that warm and fuzzy, of course, certainly not all day every day. “It’s not as if we’re suddenly in Eden,” said New Yorker Martin Mosbacher, father of two teenage daughters. “But we do seem to communicate more.”

That may be because you’re less stressed and more available--and so, too, are the kids, experts say. Just don’t expect them to spend every minute with you. They won’t. Nor will you solve long-standing problems and issues. Don’t even bother to try, warns Dr. Ernesto Ferran, a child psychiatrist and professor at New York University Medical School’s Child Study Center.

“Teens are very smart. They’ll spot an agenda a mile away,” agreed Teen People’s Paulsen. “That will ruin the whole thing.”

What you can do is use this summer’s vacation to tune in to your teen’s world. If you’re lucky, you’ll build some memories along the way.

Here are some suggestions:

* Remember, it’s their vacation too. Get your teens’ input on where they’d like to go and what they want to do. Incorporate their picks in the itinerary.

* Tune in to their favorite radio station. So it’s not your pick. At least they’ll take off their headphones.

* Get ready to listen. “Adolescents love to talk. Adults generally don’t like listening to them,” said Dr. Bennett Leventhal, director of child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Chicago and the father of teens. “Once adults can settle in and listen, then the rest will flow because adolescents can’t stop talking!”

* Forget racing from historic site to museum. Teens will probably balk at going anyway, especially if they have to get up early. Go for an afternoon hike or laze on the beach. “It’s much easier to talk when you’re not trying to rush around,” said Elise Carleton, a Connecticut mom of two teens.

* Tack on extra days. “That was the key for us,” said Jane Marcus, a Northern California mom of two teens who counts the family’s two-week stay in Hawaii as one of their best trips ever. “It took us a week just to get in the rhythm.”

* Share a new adventure. Whether it’s trying a sport or exploring a new place, experience it together. “We felt the same goose bumps when we saw the Grand Canyon for the first time. It was terrific,” said Andrea Chambers, a mother of a teenage daughter and a top editor at Seventeen magazine. You might even gain a new perspective on each other, Chambers said.

* Splurge--a little, anyway. The kids will appreciate a taste of luxury, whether it’s a classy hotel or a nice meal, especially because you’ve signaled that you think they’re worth it.

* Linger over dinner. It may be the only time all year you can, and who knows where the conversation will lead.

* Divide and conquer. The entire family doesn’t need to be in lock step the whole trip, especially when there are younger siblings along. Take a rare one-on-one time with your teen.

* Leave the emotional baggage at home. Don’t mention that C in algebra, the pierced navel or the girlfriend you can’t stand. You don’t want to be nagged on vacation, and neither does your teen.

“Just go out there and let it happen,” Paulsen advises.