Things That Bug the Y2K Out of Us

Bah Y2K Humbug: According to psychologists, an optimist describes a half glass of water as “half full,” whereas a pessimist calls it “half empty.” Here at Off-Kilter, we say the glass is half full, but we’re pretty sure the water contains PCBs, lead, mercury and other toxins.

However, our outlook is 100% rosy on the Y2K bug. Unlike the general public, we’re not terrified that when the year 2000 arrives, computers will suddenly think it’s 1900 and cause all sorts of products to shut down.

We want that to happen. We even have a list of things we hope will stop working in the new millennium, namely:

* John Tesh CDs


* Car alarms

* Infomercials

* IRS withholding

* Regis and Kathie Lee


* Comb-overs

* The company that manufactures Precious Moments merchandise

* Martha Stewart

* Accordions

* The song from Disneyland’s It’s a Small World ride

* Ventriloquist dummies

* Our alarm clock

* Muzak


* Fabio

In other words, bring on the Y2K bug.

But What About Static Cling?: From Japan, the nation that recently introduced a bra that detects incoming missiles, the latest rage is a laundry machine for the human body. According to the London Times, customers who use it “feel like a dish in a dishwasher.” While lying in a shiny 7-foot-long capsule that covers everything but their face, 13 nozzles blast them with warm water and shampoo.

After a rinse cycle, infra-red lights and steam heat their skin. That’s followed by spritzing with peach aroma, more rinsing, an application of body lotion and finally drying with warm air.

No word on whether tossing in a sheet of Bounce will make their skin softer.

Forgotten Quotes Bureau: Mick Jagger, who told an interviewer in the 1960s that he’d never sing after age 50 because he didn’t want to become an “aging star like Tony Bennett,” turns 56 today.

Random Factoids: Recent developments in the field of utterly useless information:

* British scientists announced the discovery of a previously unknown species of pink octopus.


* A Los Angeles “sex journalist” predicts that one-stop S&M; sex dungeons will be as common as Starbucks within 10 years.

* A Washington woman is seeking brides and grooms who wish to be married wearing a Bigfoot costume during next month’s Bigfoot Daze festival near Carson, Wash.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: Your mortal soul is our concern, which is why we wanted to pass along several tips from Bible scholar Jared Ruftan’s new book, “So You’re Going to Purgatory,” as recently quoted in--what else?--the Weekly World News.

Ruftan’s advice for surviving the “toughest rehabilitation facility in all creation” includes:

* Don’t whine.

* Don’t flirt. Purgatory is not a singles bar.

* Don’t mouth off. Sniping at the fallen angels who run purgatory won’t get you released any sooner.

* Don’t be a clock-watcher. “If you start counting your years and centuries in purgatory, you’ll go nuts.”

Unpaid Informants: Susanna Timmons, Allie Borden, London Telegraph, Wireless Flash News. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.