Peeping Toddler Probably Won’t Be Traumatized for Life

Dear Vicki: It just happened--our 3-year-old walked in on my husband and me having sex last night. We don’t lock our door, but we are usually pretty conscious of the pitter-patter of little feet. Our son, Danny, was at the foot of our bed before we noticed.

Do you think this will traumatize him? I didn’t know what to say or do, so I just threw on a robe and babbled something about mommies and daddies showing their love in a special way and rushed him back to bed. He hasn’t brought it up again, should we?

--CAUGHT WITH

PANTS DOWN

Dear Caught: Don’t bring it up again, at least in any obvious way. What seems to you like a monumental moment in your child’s life probably feels like little more than a dream interruption to your son. When you’re 3, you don’t get so bogged down in nuance and hidden significance as we grown-ups.

That’s not to say kids are oblivious to the implications of what mommy and daddy are doing. For example, if you or your mate is particularly “verbal” during this diversion, or if the nudity was particularly featured, your child should be helped to understand that no one was getting hurt and that you weren’t angry with each other.

I recommend staying calm when you find you have an audience during your most intimate moments. In a nonhysterical voice, you should tell your little tiptoer to go back to bed and that you will be right behind him to tuck him in. This buys you a moment or two to find a suitable nightie or towel, and to move your brain from Kamasutra to mama sutra.

As you smooth the blankets around your child, softly reassure him (or her) that he is loved by Mom and Dad and that Mom and Dad love each other. Trust me, this is definitely not the time for a dissertation about reproduction.

Use your intuition, Mom--you’ll know if there’s any fear or stress. Most likely, a cuddle from you should be all that’s needed before your baby goes back to sleep.

P.S. Don’t have high expectations about rekindling the fire you and your mate started; if he can perform after this kind of fright, he’s either a superhero or he’s just been released from prison.

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Dear Vicki: I know your column is pretty much the property of women, but as a man and a father, I’d like to ask you a question: Why is Mother’s Day a bigger deal than Father’s Day? Yeah, yeah, I know that women do most of the heavy lifting in child rearing, but I am just as devoted to my kids as my wife is and I’ve spent more than my fair share of nights with colicky babies and dirty diapers. So, where’s our brunch and bouquet?

--MORE THAN SPERM DONOR

Dear More: While I confess to having a pro-gals point of view much of the time, I think you have made a very important point--dads deserve their glory, too. Sure, most dads don’t sacrifice their waistlines or wits to their children, but their contributions are equally profound and worthy of celebration.

It’s not that the kids (and we moms) don’t want to make you king for a day, it’s just that you’re so darned hard to buy and plan for. Sure, breakfast in bed works for dads as well as moms, but the flowers are a little dubious and I’ve yet to see one pop weep uncontrollably when presented with a plaster cast of a kindergartner’s footprint.

I don’t know about your house, but about two weeks before any major holiday, my husband starts making comments intended to keep me from spending too much money. He hasn’t worn a tie or pajamas for a decade, and any of the more exciting commemorations, like tennis racquets or massaging BarcaLoungers, have price tags that give him 30-day-no-interest hives.

Eleven years into this never-ending quest for helping my kids express their love and admiration for their groovy dad, here’s what I’ve learned: Sleep is good. Food is also good. Family trips to the zoo or amusement parks are not so good. Neither are big family meals with your parents or in restaurants.

Don’t overbook, overspend or overdo. Always allow for someone to get cranky and need a nap by the afternoon (the kids, too). Take lots of pictures and use your words; there isn’t a man alive who doesn’t love to hear that he’s the “Stone Cold” Steve Austin of his family’s heart.

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Vicki Iovine is the harried author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and mother of four. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com. Please include your name and phone number. Questions cannot be answered individually, and no telephone calls, please.