Pop Talk

Enrique Bonilla became man of the house at 7 when his father left the family’s home in El Salvador for work in the United States.

For half a year, his father sent money to the family. Then the financial support stopped. The boy vowed to always take care of his own family when he grew up.

Eleven years later, as a high school senior in the Valley, he discovered that his 16-year-old girlfriend was pregnant. He was scared, but he married her a month later.

“I just knew that I had to take responsibility,” said Bonilla, now 21 and father of 2-year-old Laura.

That theme runs through the discussions he leads in the Young Dads Program, a support group of youthful fathers who meet twice a week to share the frustrations--and joys--of having children at a young age.

Sponsored by the nonprofit Friends of the Family outreach center in Van Nuys, the Young Dads Program aims to help young men step into the demanding role of fatherhood, even though they are barely past childhood themselves.

Crucial to Accept ‘Daddy Duties’

Because fathers play such a vital role in children’s lives, it is crucial for young fathers to accept their “daddy duties,” said Gerry Luethy, a professor of family environmental sciences at Cal State Northridge.

Luethy, who recently wrote a book about adolescent parents, said groups such as the Young Dads Program are hard to come by.

“Fathers are usually the forgotten souls when a woman is pregnant,” she said. “Young fathers need a support system just as much as young mothers do.”

Up to 10 young fathers ranging from age 15 to 25 meet every Tuesday and Saturday in a small conference room at the Friends of the Family office. The free program is open to any young man who has a child or a girlfriend expecting a baby.

They discuss topics such as custody and visitation rights, stress and anger management, communication and sexual responsibility.

“At 15, you don’t know much about being a father,” Bonilla said recently. “We learn how to be parents from our own parents, and sometimes our parents weren’t the greatest.”

Friends of the Family, which provides health and social services to local residents, started a Young Moms Program in 1989 and launched the Young Dads Program seven years later to educate the other half. Although the men’s program folded for awhile, it was resurrected two years ago by Bonilla.

The evening gatherings in Van Nuys begin with a meal, usually a few large pepperoni pizzas. In a recent meeting, the young fathers talked about disciplining their children.

All were familiar with loud arguments. Most were familiar with severe spankings or beatings. None were familiar with the notion of a calm discussion.

“Having a lot of kids going crazy on you stresses you out a bit,” said Gabriel Venegas, 25. “A guy just thinks about a baby crying and they go running to their own moms for help.”

Venegas and his girlfriend are raising five children--his two daughters, her two daughters and their son--in their modest Van Nuys apartment. He started attending the Young Dads meetings a year ago.

“I’ve learned to be more responsible and to try to give my kids a better life than I had,” Venegas said. “But teaching your kid right from wrong is the most challenging part in being a father.”

Bonilla said his goal as group facilitator is to teach the other young fathers how to avoid the pitfalls he fell into. He talks with them about how to communicate with their children, how to maintain patience and how to express emotion.

“The greatest reward is watching them grow, taking in information and using it to their advantage,” he said.

David Gonzalez, 17, of Northridge, is expecting to become a first-time father this month. He began attending the meetings several months ago to learn more about what was in store for him.

Expelled last year from high school for excessive fighting and absences, Gonzalez is looking for work. In the meantime, he said he hopes to be a gentle and caring father and has learned from the group that child support is about more than just money.

“I’ve learned that it takes two people to raise a child together,” Gonzalez said. “Two parents have a lot more positive things to offer a kid.”

Many times, young fathers do not take responsibility for their children for many reasons, said Carol Howell, a lecturer with CSUN’s family environmental sciences department.

“We are a culture that believes the mother is the responsible party,” Howell said. “Because of that, it’s difficult to believe that a father can be a worthy participant in the parenting process.”

Intervention programs and talking to peers with similar struggles often encourage teen fathers to build strong relationships with their children, Howell said.

“It’s definitely helpful to have guys in your situation to relate to,” she said.

‘I Don’t Want to Mess Up as a Dad’

Juggling a job, a relationship and classes at Mid-Valley High School is difficult enough for 18-year-old Alex Ortega. Add feeding a baby, changing her diapers and trying to find reliable child care, and life can become overwhelming.

Yet Ortega believes that building a loving relationship with his 2-year-old daughter, Abela, is his most important job.

“I don’t want to mess up as a dad,” said Ortega, of Van Nuys. “I want to learn how to be a good parent and communicate with my daughter because I love her.”

‘She Finds Comfort in Being With Me’

Despite their hardships, including financial instability and sometimes unstable relations with their children’s mothers, the young men in the program are proud and grateful that they stuck around to experience fatherhood.

“There are so many rewards to being a father,” Bonilla said with a wide smile. “I love hearing my daughter call me ‘Daddy,’ hugging her and knowing that she finds comfort in being with me.”