Top 30 Inexpert, but Invaluable, Tips for Dads

It was diaper day in birthing class, and I was the leadoff changer. Gently I lifted the rubber baby doll, supporting its head with my forearm. The instructor smiled and told me it was a good position--if I wanted to put the diaper on the baby’s head.

My wife and I are expecting our first baby in September, and I’m finding fatherhood isn’t coming very naturally. I’m a 38-year-old journalist, more accustomed to whining politicians than crying babies.

Awhile back, I sent an e-mail to a friend, a father of two teenagers, suggesting half-jokingly that he send me advice. He responded with a wonderful “Top 10” list of fatherhood tips.

I started thinking: If I reached out to other friends, I could probably compile a pretty useful list of advice for a new father. So I sent out a batch of e-mails.

What follows is 30 of their responses. None of it is expert advice. These are just a bunch of guys who have children ranging from toddlers to teens and have learned about fatherhood through trial and --often--error. Their advice is sometimes practical, sometimes philosophical, occasionally contradictory and always heartfelt:

* If you haven’t bought the fishing boat before the baby is born, you can forget about it for the next 30 years.

* Things you cannot do enough of: Hold, hug or kiss the baby. Take the baby out for walks or drives.

* Never swear or fight in front of the baby. (There will be plenty of temptation for both. Just wait.)

* Help out. Even being the main breadwinner does not compensate for the much harder job of staying home with the baby.

* Live in a small house where you can interact with the kids. Don’t let their rooms become their universe.

* You can never invest enough in their self-esteem.

* Encourage children to share.

* Read to your children every night. Choose something slightly above their own reading level, because that will require explanations, and conversations will flow from that.

* Immediately correct them if they are being mean or cruel, if they lie or steal, but let them figure some things out for themselves, even if they draw the wrong conclusions.

* Teach by example: If you want kids to be loving, be loving. If you want them respectful, be respectful. If you want them serene, be serene.

* Help them with their homework.

* Whisper in their ears before they go to bed at night, “think scholarship . . . think scholarship.”

* Don’t pressure them. They have enough pressure at school.

* Don’t get angry if they spill things or break things. But be strict if they insist on doing something that puts them in danger.

* Don’t compare them with other children.

* Don’t dis their music, even though ours was better.

* Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Or threats.

* Don’t teach by talking. If kids think talking with Dad means a lecture, rather than an effective exchange of thoughts and feelings, they won’t want to talk to you. And they won’t listen, either.

* Don’t hit your children. If you can’t make them understand without violence, find out what you’re doing wrong.

* Discuss serious subjects with them. You will be pleasantly surprised. They will be too.

* Fathers may feel the need to be the Big Authority--captain of the family ship, always responsible for keeping it afloat and for keeping all the crew in line and safe. That’s a fallacy. If you don’t realize it right away, you will someday, and probably in some painful way.

* Never be afraid to say you’re sorry. There will be times when you’ll be unjust in how you discipline your kids; or you’ll say something hurtful. Tell them you’ve blown it. Tell them you love them. And ask for forgiveness.

* Be more like a friend than a stern father. Kids shouldn’t be afraid to communicate with their parents about anything.

* Don’t be a friend. You are their father. They have plenty of friends.

* Don’t let them watch prime-time TV and log onto the Internet on school nights.

* Bite your lip if you don’t like their boyfriend or girlfriend. The relationship will end, trust me, even though your lip will bleed heavily.

* Build up their confidence even if they can’t hit, run, kick or shoot. How many sports scholarships did you get?

* Trust them. Occasionally they will hide things from you, just like you did from your dad.

* When you don’t know what to do, get help--from neighbors, teachers, therapists, churches, anybody. There are lots of marvelous resources out there. You will need them sometime.

* Guarantee yourself a peaceful retirement. Give them an education.