Survival Tips for the Divorced Dad’s Family Vacation

After a busy morning jumping the waves and playing in the sand, Dr. Robert Widis was ready for a break.

“Just 15 minutes would be nice,” he said. But Widis, 43, a divorced North Carolina endodontist, was traveling solo with his 8-year-old daughter, Alex. He couldn’t turn to his wife on the beach chair beside him and say, “Your turn, honey.”

Widis, a veteran of such father-daughter vacations, was counting on a magic weapon to materialize--one that had proved successful in the past. He was in luck when my 8-year-old daughter plopped down in the sand nearby.

Soon Melanie and Alex were deep in conversation. They were inseparable for the rest of the day. “The best part of traveling together,” Widis said, “is sharing new experiences with my daughter. And Alex is great company. But finding other kids--that’s really the key.”

So are other adults who love your kids, said Gerry Daly, a Pittsburgh computer engineer who makes an 11-hour drive to visit his parents with his two young children. “The trip usually stretches to 15 hours because, without another adult, we have to stop so often,” he explained. “But it’s worth it. Their grandparents love spoiling them, and I get to relax a little.”

Growing numbers of divorced dads will be seeking their own personal key to family-vacation happiness this summer on beaches, at mountain campgrounds and in crowded theme parks. More than 7 million kids now live with divorced single parents, the U.S. Census Bureau reports.

Like every parent, these dads will be after those special moments that linger long after the tans have faded and the souvenirs are forgotten. They’re all the more precious when the kids live far away.

With both Father’s Day today and the start of the vacation rush this month, there seems no better time to offer survival tips for single dads, culled from those who have been there and experts who have heard the horror stories afterward.

“Wait until the litigation is over to take a vacation,” suggested Chicago divorce attorney Jeff Leving, a nationally known father’s advocate and a divorced dad himself. “It’s much less stressful.”

It’s tough when you and your ex can’t stand to be in the same room, much less coordinate the kids’ summer vacations, the experts acknowledge.

“What should be a special bonding time becomes a tense, guilt-ridden time for your child,” warned Boston child psychiatrist Gene Beresin, who teaches at Harvard Medical School. “It’s not useful at all. You’ve got to have cooperation between the two parents. The kids need to feel free to enjoy the vacation with dad.”

Dads, by the same token, need to acknowledge that their kids, especially young ones, will miss their mom. “Don’t see that as a failure of the trip,” said Los Angeles psychotherapist Jo Anne Fox-Avnet, who treats many divorced families. “They should be able to check in with mom and share with her that they’re having a good time. They should be able to share with dad if they’re missing mom.”

Divorced dads who have had successful solo vacations with their children say their trips add a new dimension to the relationship that they already share at home. “I like having so much time to play together,” Widis said. “On vacation we really get to talk,” said Larry Schwartz, who lives in the same Connecticut community as his 13-year-old daughter. “At home on the weekends, I’m just the driver,” he added, laughing.

One secret to such happy travels: planning with their daughters’ input. That’s especially important for dads who live hundreds or thousands of miles away from their children and rarely see them. Kids change so fast that they may be a lot different since the last visit, experts explain. You have to find out your toddler’s nap schedule. You don’t want to go camping only to discover your 6-year-old has developed an aversion to bugs. You’ll be miserable touring a big city if your 11-year-old has decided she hates crowds.

Even worse are dad’s too-high expectations. “You’re not going to become the ‘My Three Sons’ show in five days,” warned Chicago psychologist Mark Rogers, himself a divorced dad.

“Remember that the activity is just the vehicle to be together,” said Fox-Avnet. “You don’t have to go, go, go. Don’t be afraid to just hang out. Those are going to be some of the best times you have.”

Other tips:

If you’ve invited your significant other along, make sure there’s plenty of alone time with your kids.

Take off from work and stage an “at-home” vacation. Let them get to know your neighborhood and your friends. “If the only time kids see their dad is at Disney World or Vail or some other exciting place, they won’t get to know him as a real person,” Beresin said.

Don’t be afraid to set limits, either. “It’s the experience together that counts,” Rogers said, “not how many WaveRunners you rent or arcade games you play.”

Taking the Kids appears the first and third week of every month.