When Monica Met Barbara--an Almost True Story

Monica Lewinsky, 90210, will be on television tonight, at long last giving her State of the President address.

She’ll be talking about, like, you know, ick, like, you know, their relationship and stuff.

Lewinsky’s interview with celebrity tush-smoocher Barbara Walters is expected to attract a very large TV audience, at least right up to the point when Monica and Barbara bond and begin to sing a duet of “The Way We Were.”

Bill Clinton won’t be watching the show, according to a spokesperson. (I think what he really said was, “I will never watch that woman . . . Ms. Walters.”)

The president probably has a prior commitment at that hour, either attending a political engagement or watching another TV channel so he can check out Shania Twain.

The rest of America has been waiting a long time to hear from Monica Lewinsky, mainly because America needs to get a life.

Well, tonight’s the night. Monica finally gets to open her mouth and talk.

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My favorites of Barbara Walters’ interviews over the years have been the one when she asked President Carter to be good to us, the one when she asked somebody else what kind of tree he or she would be if he or she could be a tree, and the one when Demi Moore taught her how to do a striptease, whereupon Barbara got up and danced like a tree.

I seriously doubt that at any point in tonight’s interview, Walters will ask Lewinsky to show her how to do anything.

Tune in, just in case.

I’m sure many readers do not want tonight’s telecast spoiled for them. However, for others who can’t wait, or for those who won’t be able to see tonight’s show, I believe the following will represent an accurate facsimile of the Walters-Lewinsky interview.

The women will be shown together in a fake room with a real plant, or else in a real room with a fake plant.

There will be two coffee cups on a table between them, with no steam rising from either cup.

Walters will speak softly and carry her big shtick, leaning forward and pretending to be Lewinsky’s new best friend.

Lewinsky, who still remembers a previous best friend, will nevertheless smile at every other question and appreciate that Barbara sure does seem to like me, really really like me!

Walters: “Monica, first question. How does it feel to be the most famous woman in the world?”

Lewinsky: “You tell me.”

Walters: “How did you meet Bill Clinton?”

Lewinsky: “In the singles ads.”

Walters: “Really?”

Lewinsky: “I saw an ad that said: ‘Single white commander in chief wants to meet women, any age, for long walks, pizza, possible relationship when secretary isn’t looking.’ ”

Walters: “He said he was single?”

Lewinsky: “Barbara, I made it up!”

Walters: “Oh, you bad girl.”

Lewinsky: “It’s important to have a sense of humor about this, Barbara, when you, like, you know, almost get a president impeached and stuff.”

Walters: “Did you really first catch Bill Clinton’s attention with your thong?”

Lewinsky: “My song?”

Walters: “Thong.”

Lewinsky: “Oh, that. I’m afraid I did.”

Walters: “Do you have it on now?”

Lewinsky: “As a matter of fact.”

Walters: “Do you think you could show our ABC television audience?”

Lewinsky: “No way!”

Walters: “How about if I turn the camera off?”

Lewinsky: “Oh, like sure. Like when Connie Chung was telling Newt Gingrich’s mom to say something about Hillary and it’ll ‘just be between us?’ ”

Walters: “Speaking of Hillary . . . “

Lewinsky: “Barbara, if she comes out from behind that plant, I am outta here!”

*

For the next 15 minutes, Lewinsky will tell Walters the story of how she became so famous. (This could even drag out for another 15 minutes.)

In a segment after that, Walters will ask Lewinsky about her former friend Linda Tripp, and if Tripp could be any tree, which kind of dog Lewinsky would like to be.

Then, in the final few minutes, Walters will lean forward and ask: “Monica, if you had it to do all over again, would you?”

“I sure would!” Lewinsky will say.

“Really?”

“Oh, wait, what do you mean, Barbara?” Lewinsky will ask. “You mean with HIM?”

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com