Help Is Available if We Give Ourselves Permission to Seek It

Recent acts of domestic violence in our county have inspired many of us to ask ourselves unaccustomed questions: What can we do for ourselves or our loved ones to avert a tragedy? How do we recognize the signs of a “lethal” relationship? When do we go for help? Who is qualified to assess us? How does domestic violence affect our partners, our children, and us?

What we can do for ourselves is give ourselves permission to seek help and take care of ourselves. We often know intrinsically that a relationship just isn’t right . . . and we sometimes tolerate things that we shouldn’t, hoping those things will change. Sometimes we’ll create new situations, new jobs, new babies, in an attempt to make a relationship have a new start. Sometimes we tell ourselves some critical “if only’s.” If only I were thinner, if only I could keep the house cleaner, if only we had more money, if only drinking weren’t a problem. Sometimes we get so stuck that we feel trapped and helpless, virtually unable to move or make a decision about what to do.

A healthy relationship is one in which partners express mutual interest in each others’ thoughts and ideas, where each partner feels good and nourished after spending time together, where some interests are shared and where there is a satisfying and safe way to resolve conflicts. We can recognize an unhealthy relationship if we can answer yes to any of the following questions:

* Does my mate track all my time?

* Does he or she constantly accuse me of unfaithfulness?

* Does my mate prevent me from working or attending school?

* Does my partner anger easily?

* Do I feel humiliated in front of others?

* Does my partner threaten to use force against me?

A yes answer to one of these questions should be a red flag to you.

So you’ve made up your mind that your relationship isn’t what you’d like. Who can assess your relationship? The best answer is an experienced family counselor who will see you and your partner as a couple and who works with these issues every day.

The counselor will look for the following:

* How does this couple solve problems?

* How much do they want to change things?

* What are they willing to do to improve their relationship and the way in which they communicate?

* If there is verbal or physical violence, are they willing to stop that behavior?

Family counselors come in all colors, shapes and sizes, and they charge a little or they charge a lot. Shop around, ask questions and interview them. Or call the hotline for the Coalition to End Domestic and Sexual Violence at (805) 656-1111 and talk about your concerns with a trained crisis counselor who answers questions like this every day, 24 / 7.

It is a myth in our culture that if children do not hear or see their parents fight, they will be all right. Children know. They recognize hurt and pain, and they register disrespect between adults. They are quick to spot hidden tears, and they are aware when things are wrong.

Another sign to look for in assessing an adult relationship is to notice new behaviors in the children: bed-wetting after the child has been trained for a time, troubles in school or with peers, unreasonable temper tantrums or inordinate fear of being left alone. A good family therapist will know how to separate a child’s problem from the couple’s problems. Children often call attention to themselves to keep their parents focused on them and keep Mom and Dad together.

For our partners and for ourselves, unhappy relationships often define us and our world. Everything we do is influenced by our unhappiness. That is probably why we are so good at denying that there is a problem. If we have to look, things might have to change, and change is very scary. Sometimes we must make these changes for our children, if not for ourselves.

We are fortunate in Ventura County; there are people to talk to, in both English and Spanish, and there are groups available countywide. This help is a phone call away.