Here’s a Capital Tourist Attraction

Mr. Kilter Goes to Washington: The impeachment trial may have damaged the aura and majesty of the presidency, but it’s been great for tourists.

In an effort to restore public faith in government, President Clinton has instituted a thorough make-over of the nation’s capital, starting with the Washington Monument, which reopened last month as a parachute-drop thrill ride.

We recently visited the city to take advantage of its many new amenities. We stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House, which normally costs $10,000 a night, but now if you show your AAA card, you get a sizable discount (as well as frequent flier miles on Air Force One).

Another new twist is the White House tour, which has been updated with a bevy of technological innovations. One of the most popular is the interactive “football” exhibit, where visitors can push a button and launch a nuclear strike against the country of their choice.

Other rooms have been brought to life with animatronic historical figures: a robot Thomas Jefferson writing at a desk in the East Wing, Abe Lincoln playing Ping-Pong against FDR, and Martha Washington flashing her thong underwear at George.

The Blue Room is now the Blue Dress Room, which features Monica Lewinsky’s infamous GAP outfit, along with a bulletproof presidential water bed and a glass cabinet full of broken White House china thrown at the philanderer-in-chief by Hillary Clinton.

For lunch, there’s the new White House McDonald’s, just down the hall from the Oval Office. And the gift shop sells a collection of White House action figures, although it should be noted that the Al Gore doll doesn’t move.

Sugar-Free Pop Music Bureau: A group of Los Angeles teenage girls has announced plans to become a diabetic version of the Spice Girls.

Calling themselves the Pump Girls, because they use insulin pumps instead of hypodermic needles to treat their diabetes, they will release their first CD Tuesday.

For the World’s Biggest Migraine: To celebrate the 100th birthday of aspirin, which was Saturday, the Bayer company said it would hire a team of mountaineers to scale its 32-story headquarters in Germany and unroll giant strips of gauze designed to make the building look like a giant pill bottle. A Bayer spokesman said that if the building really were an aspirin bottle, it would be able to hold more than 50 billion tablets--enough to stretch to the moon.

Quote of the Day: From Denise Markey, the makeup artist who did Monica Lewinsky’s face before the big interview with Barbara Walters: “To me she looked a bit like a young Elizabeth Taylor, crossed with a Snow White. That’s kind of where I went with it.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Surgeons Giving Dead Women Face-Lifts for Their Funerals! Gals Want to Go Out in Style!” (Weekly World News)

The Liz Taylor-Snow White look is especially trendy.

Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, Wireless Flash News Service, Barbara Thomas, Susanna Timmons. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.