For Some, the Afterlife Is Just Ducky
Bizarre Burials Bureau: We still think coffins should come with global positioning satellite systems so the deceased won’t get lost in the afterlife. In the meantime, other burial innovations are available, such as having your cremated ashes stuffed into a football, fishing lure or duck decoy.
For $300 and up, Canuck’s Sportsman’s Memorials in Des Moines offers urns made from hockey sticks, golf clubs and other athletic equipment. Owner Jay Knudsen calls it an alternative to the traditional urn on the mantel.
The most popular model is the dearly departed duck decoy, which is handcrafted and costs as much as $8,000, depending on how much detail is requested.
Lawsuit of the Week: The company that owns the toll lanes along the 91 Freeway is suing Caltrans over state plans to expand the number of free lanes on the highway.
The company says it relies on heavy traffic for business, and that building additional free lanes would violate a 1990 contract in which the state promised not to widen the freeway.
We can’t believe that state officials ever signed such an agreement. It’s so unfair to the company. If anything, the state should be removing existing lanes to help the company make a decent profit and keep California’s economy strong.
We’re also in favor of helping struggling pay-phone companies get more customers by banning new residential phone service.
Loser of the Week: It’s a tie. The first trophy is our Golden Thong award, which goes to the women who’ve been besieging local department stores with requests for the lipstick worn by Monica Lewinsky during her Barbara Walters interview.
Our second award goes to the producers of the “Guiding Light” soap opera, for creating a role for lawyer Johnnie L. Cochran.
Alarming Trends Alert: A 12-year-old Los Angeles youngster has created a cologne for preteen boys. Called Brendon, it sells for $19 at Nordstrom and other stores. No word on whether cooties are one of the ingredients.
Dog Show Beauty Secrets: We’ve heard of human beauty pageants in which contestants doctor their appearance to score points with the judges. Now comes word that canines also use illegal tricks to win dog shows. According to dog-pageant insiders, some pet owners apply makeup to their mutt’s nose to achieve a perfect shade of black. Others dye their dog’s fur, use eyeliner to create puppy-dog eyes and even fluff up their pooch’s coat with doggy hairpieces.
Ode to Commode Bureau: Roto-Rooter is sponsoring an essay contest in which entrants must explain why the bathroom is their favorite part of the house. The prize is a remodeled privy worth $12,000.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Nebraska Cat Vomits Gold Nuggets!” (Weekly World News)
There’s gold in them thar hairballs.
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