LAUGH LINES

Monica-Palooza: Monica Lewinsky told Barbara Walters she’d like to eventually settle down with a husband. “So, women, be careful--it could be your husband.” (Jay Leno)

More on Monica: Lewinsky also told Walters that even though they never had sexual intercourse, she and President Clinton were “sexual soul mates.” “I don’t think it’s that strange. The Clippers still call themselves a basketball team even though they never score.” (Jennifer Vally)

On the Campaign Trail: Hillary Clinton is thinking of running for Senate. “Don’t kid yourself. The woman is serious about this. Earlier today she held a press conference to deny that she had ever slept with the president.” (David Letterman)

On the Campaign Trail II: In New York, a Democratic bumper sticker saying “Run, Hillary, Run” has appeared. “Republicans are putting it on their front bumpers.” (Allan Jay Weiss)

Hard to Stomach: An African American family in San Bernardino is suing a McDonald’s claiming it was refused service. “First Denny’s, now McDonald’s. What does a black guy have to do to get a bad meal in this country?” (Leno)

Life in the Slow Lane: Leisure World residents have voted to incorporate as a city. “They also voted to adopt an official motto: Our Children Never Call.” (Ira Lawson)

One for the Books: A California assemblywoman wants the Legislature to act on her proposal for free air and water at gas stations. “She was also going to try to get clean restrooms, but that would take an act of God.” (Paul Ecker)

That Time of Year: It’s March madness. “I’m not talking about college basketball, I’m talking about the Girl Scouts selling cookies in front of every grocery store in town.” (Ecker)

Look Out: Someone hijacked more than $100,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies in San Jose. “No arrests yet, but the suspect is believed to be 4 feet tall, have blue fur and live on ‘Sesame Street.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Happy Birthday: Singer Harry Belafonte turned 72 Monday. “His friends threw him a surprise party, but when daylight come, everybody go home.” (Dennis Miller)

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The EssentialDavid Letterman

Things Monica Lewinsky can do to mend her reputation:

8. Rejoin her old band the Go-Gos.

6. Help “straighten out” that Teletubby.

5. Change name to Sara Lee Lewinsky (because nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee).

3. Perform Heimlich maneuver on choking Hillary Clinton: Aim a wad of dislodged food at Linda Tripp’s face.

2. Lure terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden into trap by flashing her thong.

1. Stop the damn smirking.

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