It’s Written in the Stars, Baby

Does your baby know where she’s going? Does she have a life blueprint to guide her through first grade, the troubled teen years, love and marriage?

If not, L.A. astrologer Terence Guardino has the answer--a newborn astrological analysis. “It’s the perfect baby gift,” says this unusually outgoing Capricorn, who promises the product can make anyone a better parent. The charts cost $75 a baby and come with a 30-minute audiotape the child can play for her therapist later in life.

According to Guardino, newborns who get analyzed early probably won’t need therapists because “astrology is a great psychological tool.” And if there is tragedy in store? Guardino won’t tell. “Oh no, I never put in bad things. I’m not freaking out any newborn parents.”

And that includes Madonna. Guardino says he read the diva’s star before baby Lourdes arrived and has prepared the little Libra’s chart, but he’s still waiting for Madonna to call. Don’t worry. With Guardino’s public access cable show in its 15th year, this patient Capricorn goat can wait forever.

“In this business,” explains Guardino, “you’re constantly throwing spaghetti up against the wall to see where it takes you.” Information: (310) 823-2860.