These Items Are So Out They’re In

Off-Kilter Outtakes: TV networks and record companies make a killing on “bleeps and blunders” shows and CD anthologies of unreleased songs. This got us thinking: How about a column of newspaper stories that never made it into print?

No, we don’t mean stuff like the doomsday comet that will destroy Europe in July or the fact that Libyan-financed terrorists now have the technology to clone John Tesh. Those stories are real, but since we’re part of a New World Order conspiracy to suppress the truth, we can’t publish details, and just to be safe, we’re activating the secret microchip implanted in your brain so you’ll forget everything in this paragraph.

Instead, we present a sampling of previously rejected Off-Kilter material. These are items that lacked punch lines, didn’t work thematically or were otherwise incomplete. We’ve digitally remastered the text from original hand-scrawled notes, but gaps in quality may still exist.

* Separated at Birth Bureau: Is the Man From Glad a draft dodger? That’s what we assumed after discovering the famous ‘60s product mascot was alive and well in Canada. But a spokesman for First Brands, his employer, said there are actually three Men From Glad--the original American (now retired) and two Canadians (who still pop up on TV ads in the traditional white suit and wig).

To refresh your memory, the Man From Glad rescued countless housewives from disaster by flying into their kitchens with plastic wrap. In French-speaking Canada, he’s known as L’Agent Glad.

* Miami Alfredo Department: The Olive Garden restaurant chain sponsored an essay contest last year asking kids, “What would make your city great?” Among the entrants was a Florida girl who envisioned a town made of pasta. Skyscrapers and cars would be fashioned from giant pieces of macaroni, she said. (Note: Still waiting for Olive Garden to send other humorous entries.)

* Worship in the ‘90s: On a media tour of Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion, a magazine publicist breathlessly urged reporters to visit “the grotto,” a hot tub enclosure choked with chlorine fumes that is the legendary site of lurid activities. He even urged people to dip their feet in the grotto’s sacred waters, as if it were Lourdes. (Add punch line here.)

* Random Facts Bureau: A 1998 auction of Liz Taylor’s high school homework notes included physiology class sketches of human livers and kidneys that were expected to fetch $2,000.

* Supermarket Tabloid Bureau: From the Weekly World News’ “10 Easy Ways to Tell if Your Neighbor Worships Satan!” Tip No. 5: “He rarely laughs, or laughs under the wrong circumstances--for example, when a child is hit by a car.”

Loser of the Week: Does anyone else find it ironic that a group of once-blacklisted writers and stars wants director Elia Kazan to be blacklisted from getting an Oscar?

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “How to Tell Your Car’s Horoscope!” (Weekly World News)

Sample reading for Gemini autos: “Cars manufactured under the sign of the twins tend to lead a dual life, running flawlessly one day and sputtering the next.”

Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid New World Order Co-Conspirators: Wireless Flash News. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.