LAUGH LINES

Stands to Reason: A biography says President Abraham Lincoln might have been gay. “Apparently, it makes a pretty good case. During his time in office, he was always sending roses to a very young Strom Thurmond.” (David Letterman)

Stands to Reason II: “Apparently, President Lincoln was antislavery but pro-bondage.” (Conan O’Brien)

We Expect Nothing Less: Rolls-Royce gave a sneak preview of its new Silver Shadow model, a hand-sculpted touring car that will retail for $300,000. “This car is so exclusive that its cup holder is an Englishman named Farnsworth.” (Argus Hamilton)

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The Essential David Letterman

Slogans for the new World Championship Wrestling cologne:

10. “Attract them white trash babes!”

9. “Sometimes you just want to smell phony.”

6. “If you actually bought Michael Jordan’s cologne, you might as well buy this!”

3. “This stuff can make you governor!”

2. “Because when you’re sitting on your butt all day watching wrestling, you’ve got to smell your best.”

1. “Finally!”

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