Talking, and Listening, to Our Teens
With the tragic events in Littleton, Colo., and now Conyers, Ga., gripping our hearts, we are left wondering, “What in the world is happening to our teens? Are they living in a world that is so different from the one that shaped us not so long ago?”
The truth is, teens today spend far less time with their families than we did. They are more likely to grow up in a single-parent or blended-family home, have greater mobility, fewer heroes, more money to spend and more forms of entertainment. They live in a far more complex technological environment.
As a society, we hope and almost expect teens to sift through this maze of confusion and information, often without equipping them with the foundation of healthy relationships and trust in God.
Having worked as a youth minister for 25 years and having young children of my own, I am constantly challenged, as many parents are, to understand how we can best meet the spiritual needs of teenagers growing up in a world that chooses alternative methods to fill the void in their life. The psalmist David stated it very well thousands of years ago when he wrote that we live in a “dry and weary land where there is no water.” In other words, our world offers little, if any, nurture, wisdom and direction for our soul.
So, what are the spiritual needs of teenagers today and how can we as parents meet them?
Here are a few ways you can reconnect with your teen.
Walk the Talk: Youths tend to be cynical and suspicious by nature. One of the great needs teenagers have today is having people they can look up to, whose actions speak louder than any words they utter. The greatest magnet for children to embrace our beliefs is authenticity--they know a fake when they see one.
Our role as parents and spiritual leaders should be to let our children into our lives so they can consistently see how our beliefs and decisions play out in everyday life. It’s no wonder that thousands of years ago Moses, after literally laying down the law, turned to the parents and said, “And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”
Open Up Communications: By the time our kids reach adolescence, it seems there is a whole new process of telling them how to dress, what friends they can have and what music they can listen to. The art of open communication and negotiation comes to center stage. This is where our leadership skills as parents are most challenged and our skills of influence are most tested.
One writer of the Bible had this same dilemma. Solomon, considered to be one of the wisest men who ever lived, chose to communicate to his children by writing down the things that mattered most. Through writing, Solomon could say more, be more accurate and know that his teachings would live beyond a simple conversation where he might otherwise be misunderstood or where his children might tune him out. I once recommended this to a family and, years later, they were amazed and delighted to find their son had kept every letter and read them over and over again.
Teens need to be heard. Since communication is not a one-way street, it is vital that we practice active listening. Teens loath being talked at, criticized and counseled; try asking open-ended questions that don’t necessarily have right answers. It gives valuable information as to what values and convictions your teens may be struggling with. Ask questions like, “What is the greatest stress you feel at school? What qualities do you look for in a friend? What dreams are still alive in you that you held as a child?”
There are no wrong answers, and their answers can connect you to their world, even though you may not always understand or agree.
Church Involvement: When Mariners’ youth groups aren’t packing their bags for snowboarding on June Mountain, rock climbing in Yosemite or serving the children of Mexicali, they can often be found poring over God’s Word, searching for meaning and purpose in their lives. They discover the answers together and have a lot of fun doing it.
Youth groups connect teenagers with God and his word, so there is a safe place they can grapple with the great philosophical questions as to who created them, why they are here on Earth and what happens to them after they die. Youths can find friendship and leaders who are willing to stand with them, counsel them and help them through the difficult time of adolescence. And contrary to some of the school cliques that close out new friendships, church groups usually make every effort to welcome in new kids and help them find their way around.
Today, more than ever, God’s word provides families with a living resource unlike anything else. His church is the nourishing spring in an otherwise dry and weary land where there is no water. His answers are timeless and relevant for today’s generation.
Eric Heard is pastor to families and youth at Mariners Church in Irvine.
On Faith is a forum for Orange County clergy and others to offer their views on religious topics of general interest. Submissions should be delivered to Orange County religion page editor Jack Robinson.