Journeys Without Partners

Once upon a time, in my strong woman period, I thought to travel alone with my daughter like any two-parent family. I returned from these forays frustrated, exhausted and humbled.

How was I to know mornings in Ski Bear School would make a 5-year-old cranky? So cranky, in fact, that one evening I found myself on a snowy balcony in Snowmass, Colo., locked out of our hotel room, forced to climb down, tromp back to the front desk and ask for another key to get back in.

When she was 7, we went to Maui. While I wanted to snorkel and go out to gourmet restaurants, she preferred room service, TV and the hotel pool.

Later, in New York and Paris, we were targets of lechers and con men.

No matter where we went, the intensity of 24-hour, 7-day-a-week vigilance, negotiation and responsibility took its toll.

Finally I turned to groups and places with lots of support: dude ranches, camping, river trips and Club Med. Sometimes I brought along her friends and my friends, or I hooked up with other single- parent families. If not, I got a lot of reading done.

Now, thankfully, the travel industry is awakening to what I learned through years of trial and error: Single parents can go almost anywhere with their children--as long as they have enough support and accept the imperative of balancing the children’s needs with their own.

“Single parents have a completely different set of problems,” says Roe Gruber, owner of Escapes Unlimited in Tustin. The intrepid who go it alone can feel vulnerable and overwhelmed with responsibility. The cautious who opt for all-inclusive cruises or destination resorts can be bored. Even the more social who join like-minded groups, she says, can sometimes feel like fifth wheels among the crowd of two-parent families.

Based on her own experiences as a single mother, Gruber two years ago created one of the first adventure tour groups exclusively for single parents. In her groups, dozens of single mothers and fathers have taken their children (age 7 and older) to the Galapagos Islands, Ecuador, Peru, Costa Rica, Bali and Borneo. The children quickly gravitate to one another, usually eating together and spending some days and evenings with trusted local care providers. Parents get to relax, share meals and have other single parents to talk to. Together they visit rain forests, temples or ruins. During each trip to developing countries, they visit a local village school, bringing school supplies and clothing.

Sometimes single parents actually feel safer in countries such as Bali, where children are revered, she says. Their similar lifestyles often strengthen the travelers’ bonds. By the time the trip is over, Gruber says parents and children have not only shared an adventure, “they feel as if they’ve acquired a family.”

Most single-parent travelers tend to be one of two types: custodial (usually divorced, adoptive or single-by-choice mothers) or noncustodial (usually fathers). Each needs to consider what type of vacation they’re looking for, travel agents say. Typically, noncustodial parents have the children for only a week or two in the summer or winter and want some intense adventures. Custodial parents often just want a break.

Lori Dahlberg, 43, an outgoing and hard-working realtor from Calgary, Alberta, found she could relax with her 4-year-old daughter at Club Med, where all activities and meals were provided. They returned once to their first destination, Ixtapa, on Mexico’s Pacific coast north of Acapulco (which offers a “mini club” for young children), and twice to Huatulco, on Mexico’s extreme southern Pacific coast (which has more activities for older children and teens). She likes that the staff provides evening entertainment and group dining where “you never end up sitting with the same people.”

She also found that parents support each other, single and otherwise. One couple watched her daughter when she took a day trip from Huatulco to Oaxaca. She and others helped a single mother and her daughter get home when the mother became too sick to function. The only problem, she says, was that anyone who wanted to eat in Club Med’s specialty restaurants had to sign up early in the morning, and she couldn’t leave her daughter alone in the room to do it. “We whined and got in,” she says.

(Single parents traveling to Mexico should know that the country requires a notarized permission letter from the other parent.)

In deciding where to go, experts say it helps to ascertain how much support there will be, how well the operator knows how to deal with children, whether there will be children the same age as yours, and whether you will be expected to share responsibility for other people’s children.

Sierra Club outings are popular among single parents who don’t mind pitching in, cooking and cleaning up on their vacations.

Dave Stout, 51, a married researcher from Alpine, Calif., says he has encountered his most “golden moments” as a parent on the group’s wilderness trips with his three sons from two marriages. (A fear of heights has kept his wife at home.) Almost every summer for the past 12 years, they’ve asked to return to places like Emerald Lake, Purple Lake and McGee Pass in the High Sierra.

“The main thing,” Stout says, “is that it’s a group. Kids run around playing together, and adults have someone to talk to.” At the same time, he says, “When you’re in the wilderness and you’re appreciating it together, it makes the situation very meaningful. It’s not like you’re being entertained.”

For the past 10 summers, my daughter and I have also formed a tradition of going to Mammoth with my married friend Estee Huff and her three children. Our easygoing travel styles mesh well: We take our time getting there and trade off shopping and cooking chores. We hang out until noon in her family’s condo, then all decide whether to try a new trail ride, ranger talk, hike or stay by the pool. We’ve been to Bodie, the ghost town, and once took an overnight to Yosemite.

Her boys like rock climbing at the faux rock near the Mammoth Mountain Inn. We’ve done that, too, as well as mountain biking and a ropes course in the woods by the Inn. We also like to have our nails done and shop. Evenings we play cards, stargaze, watch videos or soak in the whirlpool. Every year, Amanda and I always get away for one dinner by ourselves at the picturesque Tamarack Lodge at Twin Lakes.

One spring break when I took Amanda and two of her friends to La Casa del Zorro resort in the Anza Borrego Desert northeast of San Diego, Estee came with her daughter and nephew for a few days to keep me company. We all hiked to a palm oasis, took a wild Jeep tour with “Borrego Paul” and got to eat in a gourmet restaurant.

Some single parents say they deliberately avoid romantic couples’ destinations like Hawaii since their singleness will only make them depressed. Others say they can’t help but harbor secret fantasies that they will meet the mate of their dreams--and their children might serve as a lure.

Most travel agents and tour operators say that is usually their biggest mistake. Not only is it highly unlikely that travelers will meet Mr. or Ms. Right on a vacation, they have seen too many resentful children, stashed in kids’ programs all day, act up at night knowing only too well they’ve been warehoused.

“If you want to go on a vacation to meet someone,” advises Dorothy Jordon, editor of the online newsletter Family Travel Times, “don’t take the kids along.”

Resources

* For resorts, agencies and Web sites that cater to single parents, see L18.

GUIDEBOOK

History by the Wagonload

Getting there: United and Delta fly from LAX to Casper, Wyo. Round-trip fares start at $351.

Getting around: Morris Carter operates Historic Trail Expeditions, P.O. Box 428, Mills, WY 82644; telephone (307) 266-4868, fax (307) 234- 0871. In addition to the Wyoming rides, from June through September he and his daughters will lead a Gold Rush wagon train from Missouri to California. Anyone can join at any point. The price of a day ride is $50 per adult, $25 per child; for a five-day, four-night trip, $895 per adult, $695 per child. For details, see his Web site, https://www.goldrushwagontrain.com.

Other outfitters on the emigrant trail include Oregon Trail Wagon Train, Rural Rte. 2, Box 502, Bayard, NE 69334, tel. (308) 586-1850; and Flint Hills Overland Wagon Trips, P.O. Box 1076, El Dorado, KS 67042, tel. (316) 321-6300.

For more information: The National Park Service Web site, https://www.nps.gov, or the NPS Long-Distance Trails Office, P.O. Box 45155, Salt Lake City, UT 84145-0155; tel. (801) 539- 4095.

I also recommend two CD-ROMs for children, “The Oregon Trail” and “The Oregon Trail II” from MECC, tel. (612) 569-1500.

GUIDEBOOK

Resources for Single Parents

How to get in touch with people and places mentioned in this story, plus a sampling of other resources for single parents.

RESORTS/HOTELS

Club Med Ixtapa, Club Med Huatulco; telephone (800) CLUBMED for brochures.

Eastover Resort, P.O. Box 2160, Lenox, MA 01240; tel. (413) 637-0625. A year-round resort in the Berkshires that offers special single-parent weeks in the summer.

La Casa del Zorro, 3845 Yaqui Pass Road, Borrego Springs, CA 92004; tel. (760) 767-5323. A resort hotel in the Anza-Borrego Desert that also offers separate casitas.

Hyatt Hotels offer Camp Hyatts, the chain’s children’s program, at most resorts. For example:

The Hyatt Regency in Beaver Creek, Colo., has daily programs July-Sept. and will offer single-parent ski packages in the 1999-2000 winter season; tel. (970) 949-1234. And Hyatt Regency Maui in Kaanapali has daily children’s camp year-round; tel. (808) 661-1234.

Mammoth Mountain Inn, P.O. Box 353, Mammoth Lakes, CA 93546; tel. (760) 934-0611. Rooms and condos near gondola; hiking trails; bike park and ropes course. Mountain bike packages and minibus to Rainbow Falls available.

Tamarack Lodge, Twin Lakes, P.O. Box 69, Mammoth Lakes, CA 93546; tel. (800) 237-6879 or (760) 934-2442, Internet https://www.tamaracklodge.com.

Mammoth Lakes Visitors Bureau, P.O. Box 48, Mammoth Lakes, CA 93546; tel. (800) 367-6572, Internet https://www.visitmammoth.com. For information on accommodations, services, maps and events.

SPECIALTY GROUPS

Sierra Club Outings, 85 2nd St., 2nd Floor, San Francisco, CA 94105; tel. (415) 977-5522, Internet https://www.sierraclub .org/outings.

Earthwatch Institute, 680 Mt. Auburn St., P.O. Box 9104, Watertown, MA 02471-9104; tel. (800) 776-0188, Internet https:// www.earthwatch.org. Sends parents and teens all over the world on research projects.

The National Wildlife Federation, 8925 Leesburg Pike, Vienna, VA 22184; tel. (703) 790-4000, Internet https://www .nwf.org. Sponsors weeklong “summits” where adults can take classes in everything from nature photography to bird-watching while kids attend their own eco-oriented sessions.

Backroads, 801 Cedar St., Berkeley, CA 94710; tel. (800) GOACTIVE, Internet https:// www.backroads.com. Hiking, bicycling and multisport travel trips for families to 90 destinations around the world.

American Wilderness Experience, P.O. Box 1486, Boulder, CO 80306-1486; tel. (800) 444-0099. Offers three- to eight-day horseback trail rides in the Colorado Rockies; minimum age for participants is 8.

McGee Creek Pack Station, 30 miles north of Bishop, 15 miles south of Mammoth Lakes, Rte. 1, Box 162, Mammoth Lakes, CA 93546; tel. (800) 854-7407. Family-run pack station for hourly, day and overnight rides in the High Sierra.

Grandtravel, c/o The Ticket Counter, 6900 Wisconsin Ave., No. 706, Chevy Chase, MD 20815; tel. (800) 247-7651. Offers international trips for grandparents seeking creative ways to connect with their grandchildren.

AGENCIES

Escapes Unlimited, 17842 Irvine Blvd., Suite 232, Tustin, CA 92780; tel. (800) 243-7227. Sends single parents and their kids on affordable eco-trips to Costa Rica, Bali or Peru.

Quality Time Travel, P.O. Box 1141, Commack, NY 11725; tel. (888) 758-9386. Specalizes in single-parent vacations to dude ranches, Hawaii, Nova Scotia, Las Vegas and the Bahamas.

Travelling With Children, 2313 Valley St., Berkeley, CA 94702; tel. (800) 499-0929.

Rascals in Paradise, 650 5th St., No. 505, San Francisco, CA 94107; tel. (800) U-RASCAL, Internet https://www.rascalsinparadise.com. Sends small groups of families to slightly off-the-beaten-track destinations, from Mexico to Australia to Bali, often with a counselor for the kids.

Above the Clouds Trekking, P.O. Box 398, Worcester, MA 01602-0398; tel. (800) 233-4499, Internet https://www.gorp.com/abvclds.htm. Takes families on hiking treks in Nepal.

ONLINE INFORMATION

Family Travel Times online newsletter; tel. (888) 822-4388, https://www.familytraveltimes .com. Newsletter, $39 a year.

The Family Travel Forum, 891 Amsterdam Ave., New York, NY 10025; tel. (212) 665-6124, https://www.familytravelforum.com.

The Family Travel Network, P.O. Box 641, Great Falls, VA 22066; tel. (703) 759-4900, on AOL at keyword ftn. The largest online site devoted to family travel, which soon will have its own Web address.

The spa Web site, 220 E. 42nd St., 24th Floor, New York, NY 10017; tel. (212) 849-2000, Internet https://www.spas .about.com. Lists more than 50 kid-friendly spa resorts. For outdoor recreation options in the U.S.: https://www.gorp.com.

Specialty Travel Index Online, https://www.specialtytravel.com, includes a listing of family-oriented trips.

CRUISES

Two large cruise agencies knowledgeable about ships and kids:

The Cruise Line Inc., 150 N.W. 168th St., North Miami Beach, FL 33169; tel. (800) 777-0707, Internet https://www.cruiseline.com. World Wide Cruises, 8059 W. McNab Road, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33321; tel. (800) 882-9000,Internet https://www.wwcruises.com.

Windjammer Barefoot Cruises, P.O. Box 190120, Miami Beach, FL 33119-0120; tel. (800) 327-2601, Internet https: //www.windjammer.com. Features summer Junior Jammers Kids Club. For sailings starting in San Juan, a single parent gets half off for each child.

DUDE RANCHES

Colorado Dude and Guest Ranch Assn., P.O. Box 2120, Granby, CO 80446; tel. (970) 887-3128.

The book “Gene Kilgore’s Ranch Vacations.” Descriptions of 250 ranches in Canada and the U.S. (John Muir Publications, $22.95). Order by calling (800) 4-RANCHS, Internet https://www.ranchweb.com.

Rankin Ranch, P.O. Box 36, Caliente, CA 93518; tel. (661) 867-2511, Internet https://www .rankinranch.com. Small, family-owned guest ranch in the Tehachapis.

Sprucedale Guest Ranch, P.O. Box 880, Eagar, AZ 85925 (winter) or HC 61 Box 10, Alpine, AZ 85920 (summer); tel. (520) 333-4984, Internet https://sprucedaleranch.com. Small, family-owned ranch in the White Mountains.

RIVER TRIPS

For directories of outfitters: Idaho Outfitters and Guides Assn.; tel. (208) 342- 1438. America Outdoors; tel. (423) 558-3595, Internet https:// www.americaoutdoors.org. California Outdoors; tel. (800) 552-3625, Internet https://www .caloutdoors.org.

ECHO, 6529 Telegraph Ave., Oakland, CA 94609-1113; tel. (800) 652-3246, Internet https://www.echotrips.com. Class 3 and 4 family river trips.

Adventure Connection, P.O. Box 475, Coloma, CA 95613; tel. (800) 556-6060, Internet https:// www.raftcalifornia.com. Trips on California rivers, half price for children.