Translating Networks’ Lexicon of Hype

The broadcast networks introduced next season’s prime-time lineups last week amid the usual pomp and circumstance, from free-flowing cocktail bashes to pronouncements about how network TV is in better shape than crusty old critics would have you believe.

These presentations kick off an annual mating dance known as the upfront market. At stake is more than $6 billion in advertising sales--a jaw-dropping figure that adds a little real-world perspective to the customary industry hand-wringing over matters like whether “3rd Rock From the Sun” can hold its own against “Spin City.”

Network executives say a lot of interesting things during their dog-and-pony shows for advertisers, only some of which can be taken at face value. The phrase “We have high hopes for this show,” for example, sometimes means “We have high hopes for this show.” At other times, it really means “We own the rights to this show and think we can cash in on its sale into syndication” or “We have no faith in this show, but we foolishly committed to 13 episodes before we’d seen anything, so we have to put it on and pray for the best.”

This may serve as a source of confusion for the public, which seemingly has a heightened interest in peeking behind the curtain in order to better understand how such decisions get made. Either that or nobody cares much at all, media people are deluding themselves and the various magazines and TV shows devoted to entertainment news should be sold for parts--an attractive idea, actually, if it means finding a more fitting occupation for KTLA’s Sam Rubin, such as using his voice to frighten away car thieves.

With that disclaimer, those who do follow television’s inner workings might appreciate some help translating phrases they are sure to see attributed to network executives and actors, or articulated by the press, between now and the start of the new TV season in September. Think of this as a sort of “Pop-Up Videos” you can use while reading TV Guide or watching “Entertainment Tonight.”

Critically acclaimed: No one is watching.

An audience favorite: The critics hate it.

Urban: There is more than one black or Latino person in the regular cast.

Dramedy: We have no idea whether this show is a comedy or drama, much less what to call it.

Action: Violence.

New hit: This show aired once and performed very well ratings-wise; we want to convince you that people love the program before it airs again and falls on its face.

From the creators of . . . : We were too cheap to hire any big-name stars, so we’re trying to cash in on the producers’ credits.

Reality-based: We were too cheap to hire any actors, period.

Thrilling cliffhanger: We decided to imperil a major character in this season’s final episode as a cheap way of tricking you into tuning in next fall.

Epic miniseries: We spent a lot of money on this. Please watch; we just finished decorating our office and don’t want to be forced to move again this soon.

Fact-based TV movie: The names haven’t been changed, but the story and characters have, to make them more interesting. (Also, the two homely people actually involved will be played by “JAG’s” David James Elliott and Heather Locklear.)

Produced by (insert movie star’s name here): We couldn’t get this person to appear in a TV movie or series, but he/she was willing to collect a fat check for putting his/her name on one.

Making his TV debut: After three box-office flops in a row, this actor is suddenly willing to star in a TV show.

Pilot: This is a prototype for a new program. Producers are very excited about a pilot being ordered as a series, until they realize that means coming up with 21 more episodes when they may have already exhausted the concept.

“We are retooling the pilot”: We looked at the pilot, ordered a series based on it, told everyone how great it is and somehow only then realized it isn’t all that good. Hopefully, we can eject most of the actors and part of the plot and come up with something better before September.

Time-period hit: If you put this show on any other night, no one would sit through it. In fact, the only reason anybody watches now is because 75% of those viewing the preceding program can’t find the remote control or have nodded off in front of the set.

A “very special” episode: We ran out of jokes so as a change of pace this sitcom is going to try making you cry. Don’t worry, everything will be just fine next week (assuming enough of you tune in this week).

Advertiser-friendly: This show is about ministers or nuns or something. It’s a little sappy, but it won’t offend anybody, at least until the “very special” sex education episode we’re putting on for sweeps.

Family-friendly: Your 10-year-old can watch this. It may also sound at times like your 10-year-old wrote it.

For mature audiences: This show contains puerile humor that children, teenagers and immature adults will probably like.

A long-term commitment: This series will at minimum stay on through next month or until management changes again at the network, whichever comes first.

America’s No. 1 Network: We can say this with impunity, since no one wants to spend the money to prove otherwise.

America’s Most-Watched Network: Somebody else used the “No. 1” claim before we thought of it.

“I needed to stretch as an artist and explore new roles”: Now that the public knows who I am, I want to leave my TV series, work half the year and make $20 million a movie, instead of earning a mere $4 million by working three-quarters of the year.

“We want to put this show in a time period where it will have a better chance of finding an audience”: No one is watching now, so out of desperation we will move this program to another night for a few weeks . . . before we cancel it.

“We really loved this show; it just didn’t meet our rating expectations”: We really loved this show. We just happen to love our jobs at the network more.

“I felt it was time to pursue other opportunities”: I got fired.