LAUGH LINES

Something Old: The dress that Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang “Happy Birthday” to President Kennedy in 1962 fetched $1.26 million at a recent auction. “Well, she did look like a million bucks wearing the thing.” (Daily Scoop)

A Head Case?: “The San Francisco 49ers said they may ask quarterback Steve Young to retire--he recently suffered his fourth concussion. Enough is enough. If Young decides to step onto a football field again, he should have his head examined.” (Argus Hamilton)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Ways to Get Rid of David Hasselhoff’s Character on “Baywatch”:

9. Swims 29 minutes after lunch, cramps, drowns.

8. Run over by a talking Trans-Am.

7. Super-intelligent dolphin hears Hasselhoff album, hunts him down, head butts him to death.

4. Decides nine years as California lifeguard gives him experience necessary to run for New York Senate.

2. Suffers ruptured abdomen after years of sucking in his gut.

1. Replaced by cardboard cutout of himself--no one notices.

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