A Clicking Clinton Lays It on the Line

Bill Clinton this week became our first president to take part in a computer-interactive online chat.

He made himself available Monday night for more than 90 minutes, answering from a stage as assistants screened the questions.

“Cynthia in Arizona” asked if the president had any plans to stockpile food in the White House in case of a Y2K computer glitch on Jan. 1.

Clinton said no--and, in a lucky break for everybody, did not ask Cynthia what she was wearing.

Calling himself “technologically challenged,” Clinton nevertheless enjoyed himself so much Monday, he stayed online an extra 20 minutes.

To those of us who receive a lot of e-mail, the thought of a president actually sitting at a computer after this and answering his own e-mail personally is ripe with possibilities.

Just think of the chats he could have.

*

“Dear Mr. President:

“I know you’re a busy man, but could you please send a personal greeting to my mother, my father, my son, my daughter, my next-door neighbor and 35 guys I went to high school with? Just say anything you like. They all just want something personal from you. Their e-mail addresses are listed below. Thanks.”

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t have time to do all that, since I have to meet with the president of France in 15 minutes. Maybe some other time. Best always, Bill.”

“Dear Mr. President:

“Did you hear the new joke about Bill Bradley, George W. Bush, the rabbi, the priest and the traveling salesman? I am enclosing this and 75 other jokes, with copies to you and everybody else I’ve ever met who has a computer.”

“Nobody appreciates a good Bradley-Bush-rabbi-priest-salesman joke more than I do, but unfortunately, because of my busy schedule, I cannot read the 75 jokes that you keep sending to me on a daily basis. The vice president enjoys them, though. Best always, Bill.”

“Dear Mr. President:

“Please settle a bet for us. I say that Millard Fillmore died in 1874. But my brother-in-law says it was 1875. Which of us is right? We have a $5 bet on this.”

“This is the 17th Millard Fillmore question I have had to answer this week. I understand that a local radio personality is asking listeners to flood the White House with questions about Millard Fillmore. And while I have the highest regard for President Fillmore--who did die in 1874, you’ll be happy to know--please understand that I cannot keep answering these questions about him every day. Best always, Bill.”

“Dear Mr. President:

“My girlfriend says a tall, good-looking guy getting into a black BMW waved at us last night outside a Georgetown disco. Was it you? My girlfriend swears it was.”

“Excuse me for saying so, but this question is absurd. It has been months since I waved to a woman outside a disco. Your girlfriend will have to take my word for this, and if necessary, she can call me at 555-0001 any night after 11 p.m. to discuss it further. Best always, Bill.”

“Dear Mr. President:

“Do you ever watch that television program ‘The West Wing’ on NBC? I was curious if you found it to be an accurate portrayal of life in the White House.”

“No, not one program on TV presents an accurate portrayal of life in the White House, including the evening news. Best always, Bill.”

“Dear Mr. President:

“This is a special offer from MCI WorldCom. Now you can improve your telephone service for only pennies a day. Call us now for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Apply now and you will receive more e-mails and phone calls from us, absolutely free of charge.”

“I have received 15,000 e-mails and phone calls today, and 14,967 of them were from MCI. Thank you very much, but my wife and I are still not interested. Best always, Bill.”

*

“Dear Mr. President:

“I am the president of Venezuela. I have been trying to get an urgent request to you for seven years, without success. I thought I’d try this. Please, give me a call.”

“This is the first I have heard of it. Your request, I mean--not Venezuela. Let’s set up an appointment. Best always, Bill.”

“Dear Mr. President:

“Does Hillary e-mail, too?”

“She used to, but now most of her e-mail comes from the mayor’s office in New York, so somebody has to censor it. Best always, Bill.”

“Dear Mr. President:

“I have always wanted to ask you something. Do you ever send e-mail to newspaper columnists?”

“Never. I doubt if most of those people can read. Best always, Bill.”

*

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com