Pouring Cold Water on Bathing a Deux
Dear Vicki: My husband and I have been happily (I thought!) married for eight years. We have three adorable kids and jobs that we both really like. Sure, our sex life isn’t what it was before the kids were born, but we are still “active,” if you know what I mean.
Last night, however, we went to a party with several other couples, and the conversation turned to, of all things, showering. I swear, every other couple at the party showers together! I can’t remember the last time my husband and I shared a sudsy moment.
You’ve been married a pretty long time, so could you please tell me if this is a bad sign? Does this mean we need therapy or that one of us is going to have an affair?
--NOT ENOUGH
“SPLISH SPLASH”
Dear Splash: Here’s the only thing I know that will keep you or your mate from having an affair: You promise not to have an affair and you keep your promise. Now that we’ve put this question into context, let’s get back to the showering question.
Eighteen years into cohabitation with my beloved mate has taught me several things--one of the most important is the need to respect personal bathroom attitudes. Some people interrupt even the most compelling discussion for a potty break. Other people are able to carry on their chat and use the facilities at the same time with no inhibitions. I suspect it’s a genetic predetermination, and my husband feels the need to close all doors and turn on the taps before relieving himself.
I confess--I love the romantic idea that my beloved would be overcome by the sight of me reveling under the shower spray (with the water-saving disc surreptitiously and probably illegally removed). Chances are, however, that I’m already otherwise engaged.
Maybe one of my daughters has joined me for a Nix rinse, perhaps it’s my morning to shave my legs and armpits (with a little touch-up to the long-neglected bikini area), and once a month I’m rinsing out the hair color that has been camouflaging my gray so long that I can’t even remember my God-given hair color.
I’m not saying that my life partner never feels the urge to seek me out in the shower. On the contrary, if he can’t find his keys or the downstairs toilet is running over, he will interrupt a Calgon moment without a second thought. He’s always fully dressed for these updates, however, and careful to avoid too much escaping steam lest it fog up his glasses.
Do I feel that my marriage is threatened by this lack of communal bathing? Not really. As a matter of fact, I’ve noticed that since I’ve reached the age of 40, I have the irresistible urge to suck my tummy in whenever I detect any motion outside the shower door. Call it paparazzi paranoia or just middle age, but any time anyone over the age of 5 surprises me in a state of undress, I constrict my abs hard enough to break my rib cage.
People exaggerate, especially where sex is concerned, and you should gear up for it. You’ll always have a friend whose husband is perpetually aroused by her, who maintains that her orgasms have quadrupled since childbirth and who feels more womanly since stretch marks. Goody, goody for her.
Marriage, like people, is best evaluated as a stand-alone concept. If you sincerely believe that you and your mate are loving, expressive, respectful and committed life partners, then you win the jackpot. Maybe you two give fabulous massages to each other or exchange romantic poems. In which case, who really needs to share the shampoo? Any loving partnership is a gift from heaven; don’t sully it with silly self-doubt.
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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.