Thanks to Our Designers, No One Need Ever Spontaneously Combust Again

Future Fashions Bureau: The government is so dumb. Why does it waste time suing tobacco companies when a far bigger health menace goes unchecked? We’re referring, of course, to killer brassieres.

For example, in London last month, two women died when lightning struck their under-wire bras, a tragedy that will no doubt be exploited by unscrupulous men trying to get their dates to undress: “It’s strictly for safety, dear,” they’ll say. “Also, you should remove your pants because of the dangerous electrical conductivity of the metal zipper. Here, let me help you, despite the fact that doing so puts me at grave personal risk in the event of a sudden electrical storm or freak power surge.”

Obviously the garment industry needs guidance, which is why Off-Kilter recently sponsored a contest to develop fashion ideas for the new millennium. After describing several forthcoming products--such as radar-equipped neckties that detect incoming food splashes and launch tiny missiles to obliterate the mess before contact--we invited readers to create their own futuristic fashions.

Here are the winning entries:

* For the shamelessly nouveau riche, designer clothes with microchips that shout the name of the designer: “Giorgio Armani! Giorgio Armani!” (submitted by Grace E. Hampton).

* Men’s pants that send a radio signal when the zipper is raised to automatically lower the toilet seat. (Bill Williams, who also suggested “khaki pants that lock up after four high kicks, thus eliminating those annoying Gap commercials.”)

* For baseball players, self-scratching underwear that spares TV audiences from having to watch the athletes “adjust” themselves in public. (Dave Kase)

* Pajamas with built-in smoke detectors and sprinkler systems for people who spontaneously combust at night. (Hector Reyes)

* Metal-detecting hats that enable panhandlers to identify passersby who actually have spare change. (Patrick Squires)

* A sports cap that electronically changes logos so you’re always rooting for the winning team. (Dana Sherman)

* Global positioning satellite technology in all clothes, to put an end to missing socks and husbands asking their wives, “Honey, where’s my (blank)?” (Deborah Shafritz)

* Wonderbra 2.0, which monitors the wearer’s pulse rate, and causes the bra to inflate or deflate based on whether an attractive or unattractive male is in the vicinity. Editor’s note: Yes, but is it lightning-proof? (Leslie MacKrell)

Bridge Phobia Bureau: Fear of crossing bridges is so common in San Francisco that Caltrans now has a program to escort, tow or give rides to any driver who is petrified of using one of the Bay Area’s seven state-owned toll bridges.

Weird Polls Department: One-third of Americans would lick salt off Brad Pitt’s body, according to a survey by Jose Cuervo tequila.

Loser of the Week: An Illinois mall has hired a psychic to advise shoppers on what their friends and relatives really want for Christmas or Hanukkah.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “How to Tell if Your Dog Worships Satan!” (Weekly World News)

A levitating water bowl is usually a dead giveaway.

Unpaid Informants: Reuters, Rachel Williams, Paul D. Blumstein, Carolyn Kimball, Ann Harrison, Stephanie Goodman, San Francisco Chronicle, Wireless Flash News Service. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.