Sub-Par for the Courses

Everybody wants to strike it rich in the restaurant business by coming up with a concept that replicates like rabbits. Entrepreneurs daydream about the killing that the founders of California Pizza Kitchen made when they sold a portion of the chain. Coming up with a theme, ah, there’s the rub. Many of the good ones are taken: rock music (Hard Rock Cafe), sports (Official All Star Cafe), movies (Planet Hollywood), tropical jungle (Rainforest Cafe), even hard time (Alcatraz Brewing Co.).

What about golf?

It’s not exactly the sexiest idea. But how about jazzing it up by getting the participation of golf stars Jack Nicklaus and Fred Couples and actors Kevin Costner, who played a golfer in the film “Tin Cup,” and Robert Wagner, who exudes clubbiness? The Clubhouse’s mandate, as described in its menu, is to “combine the ambience of an Old World European chateau and the luxury of a private club.” The first debuted in Oak Brook, Ill.; the second has just opened in Costa Mesa at South Coast Plaza.

Founders Keith Rudman and Jerry Kleiner think big, really big. The free-standing brick building looks like a lavish Cadillac showroom from the outside and takes up 18,000 square feet of space. Extravagant swagged curtains hang at the two-story windows, through which you can see guests striding up a grand spiral staircase to the Grill Room and Club Room. Glass cases flanking the entrance display antique footballs, old silver trophies and vintage black-and-white photos of sports figures and dapper bon vivants. Unfortunately, in a mall in the middle of Orange County, these artifacts ring hollow, like showplace homes that exhibit not a whit of personal taste. And since merchandising is paramount, there is a pro shop, where nobody is shopping.

When I bring my mother and her girlfriends for lunch, they note the inset gold-leafed ceiling and admire the comfortable velvet chairs in glowing jewel tones. These women eat out with enthusiasm. Since the wait staff can’t seem to find the wine we ordered and takes a long time locating an alternative, we are all ravenous by the time the appetizers come. Bruschetta topped with diced tomatoes and basil is fine, except for the bread, which is too soft and citified for a dish in which bread is the main player. Artichoke and spinach dip oozing cheese seems to be everywhere, but the Clubhouse version is better than most: a generous gratin dish with plenty of colorful tortilla chips to scoop it up.

I don’t know what possesses my mother to order the Mochiko chicken; it’s basically a teriyaki, and a very sweet one at that, which comes with a fluff of salad. I have yet to bite into my shaved prime rib dip sandwich when Pat waves a triangle of bread topped with thin, pale slices of roast pork. “It’s no better than Wonder bread! They should be ashamed of themselves. And did you try the pork? It has no taste!”

Our waiter has sharp ears and offers to get her something else. The wonton-crusted red snapper she orders, one of the day’s specials, is nicely grilled, though the sticky rice seems more like starchy regular rice than the real thing. Salmon in an orange-basil glaze is too cooked for my taste, though basically fine. But a stacked sandwich of filet and portobello mushrooms is overdressed with sweet balsamic onions and horseradish cream, and my prime rib sandwich suffers from the same faults as the pork version, namely spongy bread and flavorless meat.

Ever optimistic, we’re still planning on dessert. When someone suggests “pots of chocolate & caramel,” my mother vetoes the idea, saying she’s not going to pay for Rice Krispies Treats meant to be dipped in the pots. The Everest of chocolate cakes, as big as an open book, seems too much to tackle. Elmer’s sundae turns out to be just the thing, a fishbowl-sized goblet filled with ice cream, too little Goldbrick chocolate sauce and excruciatingly sweet brownies. Huge chocolate chip cookies are stuck to the sides of the bowl like starfish. There’s enough for five to share.

The consensus? This place is overrated, pipes up one feisty woman after another.

I keep my counsel, holding off judgment until I’ve been back for dinner a couple of times. Unfortunately, the experience doesn’t improve. I do kind of like the oddball chicken pot pie with a crust on the bottom and a top layer of mashed potatoes a la shepherd’s pie. The toasted (i.e. deep-fried) ravioli are all right, too, but maybe you have to have grown up with this St. Louis specialty to really appreciate it. Bean soup flecked with vegetables tastes as if it’s homemade. Spinach Waldorf, though, is overloaded with sweet elements. The chicken Mochiko tastes as if it’s been smeared with peanut butter before grilling, and it looks ridiculous--the skewers stick out of halved overturned tomatoes like the feathers of an Indian chief’s headdress.

The meatloaf and mashed potato “sundae” defies belief. It’s a towering construction of brioche, soggy meatloaf and lumpy mashed potatoes crowned with fried onions and a revolting barbecue “jus.” Don’t get near it. Roast chicken comes one night splashed in its juices, which means all that work in getting a crispy skin goes for naught. Prime New York strip with blue cheese and a baked potato sounds irresistible but isn’t. The steak is tough and flavorless, and that lovely baked potato is al dente in the middle. I could go on, but I won’t.

Check the menu: “Other marquee locations throughout the United States are presently being developed so that you may enjoy the same unquestionable quality of The Clubhouse across the nation. What was once enjoyed by the world’s most elite and wealthiest citizens is now here for you to enjoy.” We don’t deserve it. Or do we?

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The Clubhouse

CUISINE: American. AMBIENCE: Two-story restaurant with main dining room upstairs, bar and pro shop on lower level. BEST DISHES: Baked spinach and artichoke dip, toasted ravioli, chicken pot pie, orange-basil salmon, Elmer’s sundae. WINE PICKS: 1997 Joseph Phelps Chardonnay, Napa Valley; 1997 Hess Select Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley. FACTS: South Coast Plaza, 3333 Bristol St., Costa Mesa; (714) 708-CLUB (2582). Lunch and dinner daily. Appetizers, $6 to $12. Sandwiches, $8 to $12. Main courses, $12 to $29. Corkage, $10. Valet and lot parking.